In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ the Woman Alive panel answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us a confidential email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, we tackle; what to do when you physically struggle to have sex with your husband.
Dear Reader,
I’m so sorry to hear this. Whenever I hear about Christians experiencing difficulty having sex, it feels like an oxymoron. As we read in Bobbi Kumari’s monthly column, God designed sex so why is it that those who take up the call to follow him, are not experiencing his goodness in this area?
Of course, this isn’t (usually) the fault of the two people involved. We have chosen a route in Church teaching that looks very much like this: Not married yet? Don’t have sex! Flee temptation! But if you are married: Go have wonderful, godly, life-changing sex! There is no in-between and often no guidance on sex itself whatsoever. So I feel for you and your husband, I really do.
Church teaching that looks very much like this: Not married yet? Don’t have sex! Flee temptation! But if you are married: Go have wonderful, godly, life-changing sex!
If you are recently married; please go easy on yourselves. Despite what we might see on social media, good – and God – things take time. I know of a couple who were very sexually attracted to one another before they got married and felt guilty about the amount of physical intimacy they experienced. Nevertheless, they were proud to have made it to the altar as virgins and were excited to enjoy the spectacular sex they had been told was theirs if they “waited”. Unfortunately, it did not materialise and it took almost a year for them to have penetrative sex. It caused all kinds of pain and humiliation for them both and they really had to work through the disappointment resulting from those high expectations. One of the many good things about sex within a healthy marriage union is that you have plenty of time to practice and, practice unencumbered by the concern that the other person will leave to get his/her Uber home, makes perfect.
And if you have been married for a while; please go easy on yourselves. There are many different factors that can affect our sex lives including mood, hormones and diet. Do your best to make sure you are in the best health outside of the bedroom and it is sure to improve your relationship within it.
Despite what we might see on social media, good – and God – things take time.
One thing I am curious about is the wording in your email. You say that the two of you have physical difficulty having sex but that you feel like a failure because you feel you’re not satisfying him sexually. So first off, please remove that language from this conversation. You are not a failure and anyway, the fact that you are reaching out for help makes you a winner in my book so well done for doing that. But your phrasing makes me wonder what you consider to be “sex”. When I was younger, I was taught that sex is a physical act initiated by a man which ends when he ejaculates, AKA is satisfied. And look, there is nothing wrong with that kind of sex if that’s what makes you both genuinely happy. But here at Woman Alive we are big on female orgasms so I wouldn’t want you to miss out. There’s not enough space to go into it here but this article will help.
However, if that feels too much of a reach right now, here’s something I want you to try. It might sound counterintuitive but if you and your husband focus on intimacy and forget about “sex”, it will take the pressure off enormously. If you are rushing to get to the “main event” as it were, you will miss out on the beautiful intimacy that takes place under the term “foreplay”. Get comfortable together and whether you’re having a bath, a massage or simply cuddling in bed; use that opportunity to be physically close and see where that takes you with no expectations.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel.
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