Many women get frustrated with themselves for not enjoying sex as much as their husbands and for finding it difficult to reach climax. Here The Great Sex Rescue author Sheila Wray Gregoire, explains it’s all about listening to your body and warming up slowly.
Venture down the Underground in London, your coffee in one hand while you scroll on your phone with the other, and your thoughts will frequently be interrupted by that voice overhead telling you to “Mind the Gap.” Be careful of the gap between the platform and the train.
Well, Christian couples need to mind the gap, too—the orgasm gap, that is. Our studies of 23,000 men and women for The Great Sex Rescue found that 95 per cent of Christian men almost always or always reach orgasm during a sexual encounter, while the equivalent number for women is around 48 per cent. That’s a 47 point gap.
Growing up, we’re told: “Just wait for marriage, and sex will be passionate and exciting and amazing!” But then we end up in that hotel room, or that small apartment, after the service, and we fumble around awkwardly, and there are no fireworks. Not even a little sizzle. But he seems to enjoy himself! Many women, unsurprisingly, begin to wonder if there is something wrong with us. Rest assured—it’s very likely there is not.
Many of us end up in that hotel room, or that small apartment, on our wedding night, and we fumble around awkwardly, and there are no fireworks. Not even a little sizzle.
This is a common dynamic that can cause the problem: we figure his experience of sex is the standard. He enjoys intercourse—why doesn’t it feel good for me? He gets excited quickly. Why don’t I? I guess I just don’t like sex! But what if men and women are simply different physiologically when it comes to sex? Maybe it’s just that intercourse is easier for men—but that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy a sexual life with your husband. It just may mean that you both need to learn how to figure you out! And perhaps that’s what God intended.
After all, the position of the clitoris shows us that God intended for women to feel pleasure by men taking time to stimulate us, not just getting to the “main event”. Most women who do reach orgasm don’t do it through intercourse alone, and most find other routes to orgasm more reliable. But simply stimulating you there may do nothing for you either. In fact, if he heads straight for the bull’s eye before you’re the least bit excited, it may feel a little too much like a gynecological exam.
The position of the clitoris shows us that God intended for women to feel pleasure by men taking time to stimulate us, not just getting to the “main event”.
The key to women’s sexual response is learning how to listen to your body, and then letting your body carry you along. For most women, that means starting with affectionate talking, kissing, and touch. Then, once you start to feel warmed up, you may start noticing that other parts of your body want to be touched. That’s when he can head there! But sex isn’t a paint-by-numbers thing, where if you do this for eight minutes and rub here 237 times, you’ll create magic. It’s allowing yourself to relax; it’s feeling comfortable enough to speak up about what you want; and perhaps most of all, it’s knowing that you are not a bother for needing more than intercourse. You’re not broken; you’re not less sexual; you’re not selfish.
God made sex to be mutual, intimate, and pleasurable for both. That means that you matter, too. And our surveys found that when both men and women finally understood that, the fireworks do start!