In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, the Woman Alive team answer a mother who is looking for more support from Church.
Dear Woman Alive,
I am a single mum with an adopted 3 year old child who I have had since she was born. I go to church, but spend most of the time in the kids room, as I have no partner to tag team with. I am in a home group with families with young children, and the mums meet one week and the dad’s the other. I have only been able to get there a few times because of the difficulty with getting a baby sitter. I know no church is perfect, and I am too tired to fight for change, but I wish it felt more of a community, and I am given the support I so dearly need. How do I avoid getting bitter and judgemental?
Dear Friend,
Thank you for writing so honestly. I want to say first, what you are feeling makes sense. You are carrying a great deal, parenting solo, parenting through adoption, loving your child faithfully, and trying to stay connected to church life, and that is a heavy load for one person. Your tiredness is not a failure of faith; it is a human response to sustained responsibility.
READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I am happy and childless - how do I manage the sadness of others at my lack of children?
It sounds deeply painful to long for community and support, yet repeatedly find yourself on the edges of it, in the kids’ room, in groups structured around couples, navigating childcare alone. That sense of “I belong, but not quite” can wound the heart. I’m really glad you named it rather than swallowing it.
Avoiding bitterness doesn’t mean pretending you aren’t hurt.
Avoiding bitterness doesn’t mean pretending you aren’t hurt. In fact, bitterness often grows when grief goes unacknowledged. It may help to gently name before God what you have lost or hoped for, shared parenting, ease of participation, being seen and supported, and to let him meet you there. The Psalms remind us that honesty is not judgment; it is prayer.
READ MORE: Adoption and fostering in the Bible
You might also consider this: judgement often arises when our needs go unmet for too long.
You might also consider this: judgement often arises when our needs go unmet for too long. Instead of asking, “How do I stop feeling this way?” a kinder question may be, “What do I need, and where might I receive even a small part of it?” That could be one safe relationship, one older woman in church, one honest conversation with a leader, or even support outside church for this season. Community does not have to look like the ideal version to still be real.
You are already living out the gospel in profound ways, through steadfast love, sacrifice, and presence with your child. Jesus sees the unseen faithfulness of the parent in the children’s room. He does not measure belonging by attendance or availability, but by love.
If you can, hold your church with grace while also holding yourself with compassion. You are allowed to be tired. You are allowed to want more. And you are allowed to ask God to protect your heart while you wait. You are not invisible. You are not failing. And you are not alone, even when it feels that way.
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