GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I am happy and childless - how do I manage the sadness of others at my lack of children?

Dear Woman Alive,

I don’t have children, and I have made my peace with the fact I won’t have biological children, trusting that God has the best for me. How do I manage other people’s sadness for me and what I perceive as judgement? I heard one new acquaintance recently said that I was, ‘remarkably emotionally intelligent for someone who hasn’t got children.’

Dear Reader,

Your question touches a tender place that many women carry quietly: not the absence of children itself, but the weight of how others respond to that absence. First, let me say this: your life is not a consolation prize. It is not a “lesser calling,” nor is it waiting to begin. You are already living a full, God-authored story.

READ MORE: Loved through childlessness

You have done holy work in coming to peace with your circumstances, trusting that God’s goodness is not limited to one outcome.

You have done holy work in coming to peace with your circumstances, trusting that God’s goodness is not limited to one outcome. That kind of surrender is not passive; it is deeply active faith. Yet it can be jarring when others have not done that same internal work and project their sadness, discomfort, or assumptions onto you.

Often, people’s sadness says more about their own fears than about your reality. For many, motherhood is so intertwined with identity, purpose, and worth that they struggle to imagine a meaningful life without it. When they grieve “for you,” they may actually be grieving the loss of a storyline they themselves depend on.

You are not required to carry that grief. It is okay, emotionally and spiritually, to let their sadness stop with them. You can acknowledge it without absorbing it. A gentle internal prayer can help: “Lord, I release what is not mine to carry.”

READ MORE: Childlessness isn’t just a ‘female’ thing, it cuts up men too - I and other men I know have felt each cut

The remark you mentioned, being described as “remarkably emotionally intelligent for someone who hasn’t got children”, is a classic example of a subtle, unintended judgement. It assumes that maturity, empathy, or depth are somehow earned through motherhood, rather than cultivated through life with God.

Scripture tells a different story.

Scripture tells a different story. Wisdom, compassion, and emotional intelligence are fruits of walking with the Spirit (Galatians 5), not of a particular life role. Jesus himself lived a fully human, perfectly loving life without biological children, yet no one embodied emotional intelligence more completely.

READ MORE: Three pieces of Christian advice I found helpful while struggling with infertility

When comments like this arise, you may choose one of three faithful responses:

• Clarify, if you have the energy: gently naming that emotional growth comes through many forms of life experience.

• Redirect, by affirming what is true without engaging the assumption.

• Release, deciding not every comment deserves your explanation or correction.

All three can be acts of wisdom. One of the challenges in this season is staying open-hearted while not becoming overexposed. Proverbs reminds us to “guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Guarding is not building walls; it is choosing what has access to your inner world. You might find it helpful to reflect on this question: Whose opinions actually have authority in my life? Not everyone who speaks into your story has been given spiritual permission to interpret it. In the Kingdom of God, fruitfulness is never limited to biology. Spiritual motherhood, discipleship, friendship, service, creativity, prayer, and presence are all forms of life-giving love. Some of the most nurturing people in Scripture were not biological parents, yet generations have been shaped by their faithfulness.

You are not an exception to God’s design. You are an expression of it. So when others struggle to understand your peace, let that be a quiet testimony, not something you must defend, but something you simply live. Your settled trust in God may gently challenge assumptions without you ever needing to say a word. May you continue to walk in the freedom of knowing that your worth is not measured by what you have produced, but by who you are in Christ: deeply loved, fully known, and purposefully placed.

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk