In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, the Woman Alive team answer a woman who wants to make sure her marriage lasts.
Dear Woman Alive, I am getting married in the summer, it is my first marriage, but my fiancé has been married before. We love each other, have a shared strong faith, and there is no one else I want to be with, but it scares me when I see couples who have been married for a while, maybe have a few kids, and they seem a bit jaded, and snipe at each other. How do we keep our love alive, and not coast towards disconnection and divorce?
READ MORE: The essentials of marriage
Dear Reader
What wisdom to ask these questions when you are in the flush of new love. You’re noticing something true: many couples drift, not because they stop loving each other, but because they stop tending to love.
Love doesn’t die suddenly, it erodes quietly when hearts go unguarded.
Scripture never promises that marriage will stay effortless. It promises that it can be holy, refining, and deeply good when God is kept at the centre. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23). Love doesn’t die suddenly, it erodes quietly when hearts go unguarded. Your goal is not to avoid difficulty, fatigue, or seasons of dryness. Those will come. Your goal is to learn how to return to each other and to God again and again. Understanding what keeps love alive, and what kills it, is key. What kills love over time: unspoken resentment, assuming instead of asking, letting busyness replace intentional connection, treating marriage as a contract instead of a covenant and spiritual intimacy fading before emotional intimacy does.
READ MORE: I’m a marriage counsellor but the best marriage advice I’ve been given was hard to swallow
None of these happen overnight. They happen when couples stop choosing each other. What keeps love alive: repentance more than defensiveness, curiosity more than assumptions, prayer more than problem-solving alone and grace more than scorekeeping.
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2)
People often say “God is at the centre,” but what protects marriages is shared spiritual practice, not shared belief alone. I would encourage couples to commit to:
Praying together regularly (even brief, imperfect prayers), inviting God into conflict, not just into calm moments and reading Scripture not just devotionally, but relationally (“What does this ask of us as a couple?”)
READ MORE: How grief can change a Christian marriage
“A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
Learn to fight for the marriage, not against each other. The couples you’re noticing who snipe at each other often aren’t mean, they’re unhealed and unheard. Healthy Christian couples: Speak truth without contempt, repair quickly after conflict and take responsibility for their own spiritual and emotional growth.
A crucial habit to form early is to say: “Help me understand you,” instead of “Here’s why you’re wrong.” And when you fail, because you will, practice confession and forgiveness as spiritual disciplines, not emotional reactions. Honour the reality of a second marriage, without fear. Your fiancé’s previous marriage does not doom this one, but it does mean there are lessons, grief, and humility that deserve space. You are not competing with a past. You are building something new, with deeper awareness. I encourage you to: Talk openly about what didn’t work before, not to dissect blame, but to gain wisdom, establish shared values around conflict, faith, money, intimacy, and boundaries early and return often to the truth that this marriage is not powered by past success, but by present obedience
“See, I am doing a new thing!” (Isaiah 43:19) Love is not sustained by feeling, but by covenant. Feelings will ebb. Attraction will change. Energy will fluctuate. What sustains a marriage is this quiet, daily choice: “I will love you as Christ loves the Church, even when it costs me.” (Ephesians 5:25). That kind of love: serves when tired, listens when defensive, forgives when wounded and reaches for God together when disconnected. That love does not prevent hard seasons, but it redeems them. You are already asking the right question, not “How do we stay happy?” but “How do we stay faithful, connected, and alive?” Keep choosing: presence over autopilot, prayer over pride, repair over resentment, covenant over convenience.
And remember: A strong marriage is not one that never struggles. It is one where both partners keep turning toward God and toward each other. You are stepping into something sacred. Walk into it with courage and grace.
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk
No comments yet