In our fortnightly column ‘Real Talk’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything.
Dear Woman Alive,
I’m fed up with all the Christian “advice” on relationships being about how to deal with a man’s high sex drive so I was hesitant in sending this but I definitely want more sex than my husband and it’s causing problems in our marriage. He doesn’t want to see a counsellor and I think he’s embarrassed about it but it’s making me feel resentful because I feel unsatisfied.
Dear Reader,
I’m really glad you shared this, because what you’re describing is far more common than people admit, and it can feel especially isolating when the narrative around Christian marriage doesn’t reflect your experience.
First, it’s important to say that your desire for intimacy with your husband is not wrong or excessive. Sexual desire isn’t something to suppress or be ashamed of, it’s part of God’s good design for connection, pleasure, and unity in marriage (see Song of Solomon and 1 Corinthians 7). The Bible speaks about mutual desire and care, not a one-sided dynamic.
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When a need for closeness isn’t met, it can start to feel like rejection, even if that’s not your husband’s intention.
What you’re feeling, frustration, even resentment, also makes sense. When a need for closeness isn’t met, it can start to feel like rejection, even if that’s not your husband’s intention. So rather than judging yourself for those feelings, it’s more helpful to see them as signals pointing to something that needs attention in your relationship.
It might help to gently reframe what’s going on. Differences in sexual desire are very common in marriage, and they’re not usually about one person being “too much” or the other “not enough.” They can be influenced by stress, emotional connection, physical health, hormones, past experiences, or even how each of you understands intimacy. For some men, especially, shame or pressure around sex can actually lower desire rather than increase it.
Since he’s reluctant to see a counsellor, the starting point may need to be how you approach the conversation at home. If it’s coming across (even unintentionally) as pressure or disappointment, he may withdraw further out of embarrassment or inadequacy. Instead, try opening the conversation from a place of vulnerability rather than frustration, for example:
“I miss feeling close to you in this way, and it matters to me because I love you,” rather than “we’re not having enough sex.”
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That shift can make a big difference, it invites him in rather than making him feel like he’s failing.
That shift can make a big difference, it invites him in rather than making him feel like he’s failing. At the same time, your needs matter too. Marriage isn’t about silently enduring unmet needs. 1 Corinthians 7 talks about mutual giving and care in this area, it’s meant to be a shared, loving responsiveness to one another, not something one person carries alone.
If counselling feels like too big a step for him right now, you might consider asking if he’d be open to reading something together or listening to a podcast (less intimidating than counselling). Exploring non-sexual intimacy first (affection, emotional connection), which can often rebuild desire. Giving him space to share honestly, he may have feelings he hasn’t known how to express
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And for you personally, it’s worth bringing this before God, not as a “fix this quickly” prayer, but as an honest conversation. God cares about your marriage, your body, and your emotional world. He is in your story and He isn’t uncomfortable with this topic.
Finally, try to guard your heart against resentment taking root. That doesn’t mean ignoring the issue, it means continuing to choose openness and compassion while you work through it. Resentment can quietly erode connection, which is the very thing you’re longing for.
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
Our Real Talk column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk
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