REAL TALK: We’ve been talking but he doesn’t lead spiritually, is this a red flag?

Dear Woman Alive

I met a guy on a Christian dating site and we’ve been talking for a few months. He’s kind, consistent, and I like him—but he doesn’t seem to pray, read the Bible, or lead spiritually. He says he believes in God, but I’m always the one bringing up faith and church. Is this a sign he’s not spiritually mature enough for a relationship, or am I expecting too much too soon?

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 Dear Reader, 

You are not expecting too much by wanting faith to be more than a vague belief in God. Kindness, consistency and emotional compatibility matter enormously in a relationship, but as faith is central to your life, it’s understandable that you are asking deeper questions about spiritual leadership and shared commitment to Christ.

At the same time, it’s important not to confuse spiritual maturity with personality type. 

At the same time, it’s important not to confuse spiritual maturity with personality type. Some men are naturally more vocal, expressive or confident in spiritual conversations than others. A quiet faith can still be genuine. The question is not whether he performs spirituality in the way you expect, but whether there is evidence that he genuinely wants to know and follow Jesus. Does he show openness when faith is discussed? Is there humility, teachability, conviction or spiritual hunger, even if it is underdeveloped? Or does he seem largely indifferent?

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You mention that you are always the one bringing up faith and church, and I think that does matter.

You mention that you are always the one bringing up faith and church, and I think that does matter. In a healthy Christian relationship, you should not feel as though you are dragging someone spiritually or carrying the entire weight of discipleship alone. Marriage has many seasons, and there will be times when one partner is spiritually weaker or struggling, but at the foundation there should be a shared desire to pursue God together.

It may help to ask yourself, if nothing changed spiritually over the next five years, would you feel at peace marrying him? Sometimes we date potential rather than reality. We imagine the person might eventually become spiritually engaged, prayerful or committed, but relationships are healthiest when we accept the person in front of us as they are now, not as we hope they may become.

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That does not mean you need to end things immediately. You have only been talking for a few months, and people grow at different speeds. But it probably is time for an honest conversation. Try not to be accusatory or intense, but open and clear. You could gently ask how important faith really is to him, what his relationship with God looks like personally, and whether he wants to grow spiritually. His response will likely tell you far more than trying to analyse his behaviour from a distance.

Most importantly, remember spiritual leadership is not about having all the answers, dominating spiritually or sounding impressive. A godly man is not perfect, but he should be moving toward Christ, not standing still spiritually while you do all the pursuing.

Pray for wisdom, but also pay attention to peace. God is not asking you to lower your standards if your desire is simply for a relationship rooted in shared faith and mutual pursuit of him.