In our fortnightly column ‘Real Talk’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything.
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Dear Woman Alive,
I have just had a baby and I know I’m biased but she is the most beautiful baby ever! She sleeps really well and hardly cries. I am so in love with her and sometimes I just stare at her for hours as she feeds or sleeps. My husband says I am obsessed with her and I think he is resentful of the attention I give her. I told my mum (also a Christian) and she said if I don’t focus on him he will end up leaving me. Is this right? This doesn’t sound like good advice to me but it could be a generational thing and I did roll my eyes a bit when she said this. My father did also leave my mother but not because of this - I don’t think!
Dear Reader,
First, take a breath and let yourself enjoy what you’re experiencing. The love you’re describing is not something to be suspicious of, it’s something to be deeply grateful for. A new baby often brings an almost overwhelming tenderness, and there is nothing un-Christian or unhealthy about delighting in the life God has entrusted to you. In fact, that instinct to gaze, to cherish, to respond, these are echoes of how God loves us.
READ MORE: I was terrified of giving birth!
It’s also worth saying plainly: your mother’s warning is too stark.
It’s also worth saying plainly: your mother’s warning is too stark. Marriages are rarely undone by a mother loving her newborn “too much.” That said, underneath her words may be a clumsy attempt to express a more balanced truth, your marriage still matters, and it will need attention in this new season.
Right now, though, you are in the early days of motherhood. Your body, your hormones, your rhythms, your sleep, everything has shifted. It is natural that your baby’s needs are front and centre. Your husband may feel displaced, not because you’re doing something wrong, but because this is a big adjustment for him too. He’s gone from being your primary focus to sharing you with a tiny person who demands almost everything.
Rather than seeing this as a competition for your attention, try to gently bring him into what you’re experiencing.
Rather than seeing this as a competition for your attention, try to gently bring him into what you’re experiencing. Share your joy with him: “Isn’t she beautiful?” Invite him to participate in those quiet moments. Let him know that he is still important to you, even if, right now, your capacity looks different. Small gestures go a long way: a kind word, a touch on the arm, a moment of eye contact that says, “we’re still us.”
READ MORE: I’m a mum and a personal trainer - five things you need to know about your body after giving birth
At the same time, it’s reasonable to expect some understanding from him. Love in marriage is not about tallying attention; it’s about mutual giving, especially in seasons when one person is stretched. This is one of those seasons. Scripture often speaks about love as patient and self-giving. That applies to both of you here. You are giving yourself to your child; he is being invited to grow into a new kind of love, one that includes fatherhood and supports you in it.
READ MORE: Jesus said a woman forgets the anguish of giving birth because of her joy that a child is born - so why do I have post-birth trauma?
So no, you are not on a path that inevitably leads to your husband leaving. But you are in a tender, formative moment for your family. With a bit of communication, grace, and inclusion, this can actually deepen your marriage rather than strain it. Enjoy your baby. Thank God for her. And remember, you’re not choosing between loving your child and loving your husband. With time and care, your heart will hold both beautifully.
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