REAL TALK: How do I keep my teenager safe from older men?

Dear Woman Alive,

My 16-year-old daughter is absolutely beautiful and like many other girls her age, her make-up skills impeccable (better than me!). When they go out, she and her friends are often approached by boys and men considerably older (some in their 20s). This really bothers me but I don’t want to curb her creativity just because of problematic men! What can I do and say to keep her safe?

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Dear Reader,

First of all, your feelings about this are valid: women are experienced in noticing this kind of male attention, and where our daughters are concerned, it can stir something strong in us. With one in four women experiencing sexual assault in their lifetime, this is not an imagined fear. You are not overreacting. You are being a protective mum. But you’re also right in not wanting to change her behaviour. For girls, make-up, eyelashes and hair are not just about appearance. They are creative and fun, part of learning who she is and how she expresses herself, and that’s something worth protecting.

I asked my daughter for her opinion. She remembers the conversations we had about this when she was a similar age. She responded like this: 

Throughout history a lot of women’s lives have been centred around men.

“Throughout history a lot of women’s lives have been centred around men. As Gen Z and as a culture, we’re really trying to shift that. If you’re a Christian, we want to de-centre men and re-centre God. Suggesting that she shouldn’t play around with make-up because of problematic men would teach her that those men’s opinions and rights are more important than her own creativity.

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“We’re trying to help young men not to see women as sex objects, but we’re not there yet. You don’t want to scare her about men, but if she’s old enough to wear make-up, she’s probably already got a pretty good idea of what the problems can be.

I’d suggest that you start some open-ended conversations. It’s OK to admit that you worry – you care about her. 

“I’d suggest that you start some open-ended conversations. It’s OK to admit that you worry – you care about her. You can go on a journey of exploring together how best to handle these situations. Maybe watch a TV series together, or go to a talk aimed at young women. Maybe even enrol in some self-defence classes (you hope they won’t be needed, but being prepared builds confidence). But don’t send her to these things – go with her, and learn alongside her, because your views on some things may be outdated!”

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I’d add to that, in those conversations, talk through real-life scenarios in a calm and non-judgemental way. Ask questions like, ‘How would you feel if someone older came over to you?’ or ‘What would you want to do in that moment?’ This helps her think things through before she finds herself there.

You can also gently talk about boundaries. Help her recognise that it is always okay to walk away, to ignore someone, or to say no. Encourage her to stay with friends, to look out for one another, and to trust her instincts. If something feels off, it probably is.

Alongside safety, keep building her sense of identity. In a world where appearance and attention can feel like everything, she needs to know that her worth runs much deeper. Her value is not based on who notices her, but on who she is. Remind her that she is known and loved by God, and that her identity is secure, whatever she wears or however she presents herself.

This is a delicate balance, learning to hold freedom and safety, fun and creativity. But the fact that you’re asking these questions shows that you are already doing something right. We don’t raise our daughters by making them smaller or lesser, or to conform to other people’s boundaries. Instead we want to help them grow stronger, wiser and secure in who they are, confident in their identity and valued in the sight of God.

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Real Talk column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk