GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: Why did God give men a higher sex drive than women?

Dear Woman Alive,

My husband and I have been married for nearly ten years, and we have two children. I love my husband, he is a very good man, a great companion and wonderful father. However we are so disconnected with sex. He wants it as often as possible and I always say there is no such thing as a free hug, because if we touch, he would like more. However, I need more emotional input before I can even think of having desire for sex. I have begun to resent him touching me, as it feels like he is just using my body, and when it is over he falls asleep. Why are men and women so different in their sexual needs? What was God thinking! If I don’t feel loved and seen by my husband, I don’t want sex, but I think he would be happy to have sex with me, even if I wasn’t happy. How can we get on the same page with this? My husband hates the idea of a counsellor, but I am guessing it might be what we need?

Dear Reader,

Thank you for writing with such honesty. After nearly ten years of marriage, raising two children and building a life together, it makes sense that patterns around intimacy have become deeply ingrained, and painful when they feel one-sided.

First, let me say this: nothing is “wrong” with you because you need emotional connection before sexual desire awakens.

First, let me say this: nothing is “wrong” with you because you need emotional connection before sexual desire awakens. Many women (and some men) experience what researchers call responsive desire, desire that grows out of feeling safe, seen and emotionally close. Many men, by contrast, experience more spontaneous desire — physical desire that appears more quickly and can actually be one of the primary ways they seek connection. That difference can feel cruelly mismatched, but it isn’t a design flaw. It’s often just difference.

READ MORE: ‘What Little House on the Prairie taught me about a godly attitude to sex and marriage’

You ask, “What was God thinking?” It’s a very human question. Scripture paints sex not as a demand, but as mutual self-giving. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul speaks about husbands and wives belonging to one another — not in a way that permits using, but in a way that calls both to loving attentiveness. The heart of Christian intimacy is not access to a body, but cherishing a person.

The heart of Christian intimacy is not access to a body, but cherishing a person.

What concerns me most in your letter is not how often you are having sex, but the resentment building in your heart. When touch feels like a transaction, “no such thing as a free hug”, it erodes trust. You begin to brace yourself rather than relax. And when you feel unseen emotionally, your body quite naturally resists.

At the same time, I want to gently reframe something. You wrote that he would likely be happy to have sex “even if I wasn’t happy.” That may be how it feels, and your feelings matter, but it might not be how he understands it. For many husbands, sex is how they experience being loved and reassured. If he feels repeatedly turned away, he may also be nursing quiet hurt. You are both possibly protecting yourselves in different ways.

READ MORE: Could the pursuit of pleasure be destroying your marriage?

So how do you get on the same page?

Have the conversation outside the bedroom. Not after rejection. Not in the moment. Choose a neutral time and speak vulnerably rather than critically: “I miss feeling close to you. When touch always leads to sex, I start to pull away. I need emotional connection to feel desire. Can we work on that together?”

Rebuild non-sexual touch. Agree on affection that genuinely has no expectation attached. This may require a clear conversation where he consciously commits to giving you physical closeness that doesn’t escalate. Trust can be rebuilt, but it requires consistency.

Think in terms of generosity, not score-keeping. Ephesians 5 calls both husband and wife to self-giving love. For him, that may mean slowing down, listening more, investing emotionally. For you, it may mean remaining open rather than defensive, and sometimes choosing intimacy as an act of love even if desire isn’t initially strong — provided you do not feel coerced or unsafe.

Consider counselling as support, not failure. You say your husband hates the idea. Many men do. Sometimes reframing helps: not “we’re broken,” but “we value our marriage enough to strengthen it.” A Christian marriage counsellor can normalise these dynamics and provide language that doesn’t feel accusatory. You could begin by going alone if he refuses, that in itself can shift things.

READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: What’s the problem with sex before marriage?

Finally, please hear this: God is not surprised by sexual difference. Nor is he indifferent to your tears. Sex in marriage was designed to reflect mutual delight and covenant love, not pressure, resentment or emotional loneliness. Your longing to feel loved and seen is deeply biblical. So is your husband’s longing for closeness.

This is not about one of you being right and the other wrong. It is about learning each other again after twenty years. And that is holy work.

I will pray that the Lord softens both your hearts, that your husband learns how to love you in the language your heart understands, and that you rediscover ways to welcome him without fear of being used. With patience, honesty and perhaps wise outside help, many couples do find a new rhythm, one that is freer and deeply connected.  

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk