What I’ve learned in 10+ years of Christian dating apps

New to online dating? Welcome to the playground battlefield. You’ll need a healthy dose of resilience and an endless sense of humour, and in return you’ll receive a bucketload of humility and a degree in discernment. Disclaimer: spouse not included.

After 10+ years of online Christian dating, I consider myself an expert. To anyone who manages to meet dating prospects IRL: I salute you. In my experience, adorable meet-cutes are limited to raging extroverts and Hallmark movies. I discovered online dating apps in my early twenties: Tinder and Hinge at first, before graduating to Christian platforms when Jesus and I became pals. I suspect he watched my dating antics with an eyeroll.

READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I have met a guy online, is he the real deal?!

Jesus spent a lot of time unpicking my terrible dating tactics. 

Jesus spent a lot of time unpicking my terrible dating tactics. I had poor taste in men and a low bar for respect, both for myself and my matches. You name them, I’ve dated them: the thirty-four-year-old whose mum still did his laundry, the emotionally unavailable one reeling from his unfaithful ex, the one with the undisclosed cocaine habit, the ones that wanted a quick shag. The list goes on and on.

READ MORE: Christian dating: Am I good enough?

Now, ten years down the line, with approximately 50+ first dates under my belt, amidst a handful of short-term relationships and extended dry spells, I’d like to think I know a thing or two. Here’s what I’ve learned:

Before you enter the online dating battlefield, check in with yourself.

• Are you feeling emotionally resilient? Online dating involves more dashed hopes and rejection than we’d like to admit. You may message many potential dating prospects and receive few responses or find that you have fewer matches than expected.

• Are you emotionally available? Be honest on your profile about what you’re looking for – and be honest with yourself. If you’re fresh from a break-up, it’s wise to have a season of singleness and healing or you risk transferring your affections for your ex-partner to your new date.

• Do you have space in your life for dating? Online dating is time-consuming; exchanging messages, phone calls and going on dates all take time.

During your online dating season(s):

• Have fun! Dating should be enjoyable, whether you feel a spark or not.

• Treat each match with respect. No ghosting, no unmatching mid-chat without saying anything. If you’re not interested in someone, be honest with them; it’s kinder than silence.

• Chat to one person at a time. Controversial, I know. It’s a slower process but I found it valuable to invest in one sincere connection before establishing if we were/weren’t a good match. We are not interchangeable commodities, let’s not treat each other like one. Not applicable to “Hey, you OK” chats.

• Have a phone call before you meet in-person. Your search radius may include different cities or counties. Save yourself time and have a preliminary phone/video call – you’ll know if you’re a good match within a few minutes. You can use the in-built ‘call’ function in the app if you’re not ready to exchange numbers.

• Don’t limit your ‘type’ by physical attributes or hobbies. Think about the qualities you’d value in a partner. Are they close to Jesus? Are they servant-hearted? Do they have a sense of humour? Hair can be cut, hobbies can be learned, but their heart will only become more beautiful in their journey with Jesus.

• Don’t justify red flags. If you’re like me and have spent a long time searching for the right person, it can be tempting to settle – don’t. If they cross boundaries or display concerning behaviours during dating, it will only get worse after marriage.

• If you’re not attracted to them, don’t date them. Attraction can grow: many people are more attracted to personality than physicality, but if you don’t want to snog them then respectfully end the date (after an appropriate duration, ten minutes doesn’t count!)

• Journey with friends. Dating can be lonely, especially if many of your peers are married. My dating journey became immeasurably more joyful with two housemates in the Christian dating trenches. We shared stories (the good, bad and ugly) and laughed through it all together.

• Pray for discernment. This one takes thick skin. For each date and match, my go-to prayer was “Lord, if he’s not my husband, please remove him from my life”. It worked with humbling efficiency, sometimes within minutes.

Whether you’re setting up your first profile or you’ve been searching for a while, I pray your dating journeys are joyful and discerning – and shorter than mine. Putting yourself out there is an incredible act of courage and no matter how many disappointments there are, remember that Jesus will pick you up time and time again if you allow Him to.