REAL TALK: What are Christian views around foreplay with a partner before marriage?

Dear Woman Alive,

I am new to being a Christian and I met my ex boyfriend at the start of my faith journey. I was hesitant to start a relationship because although he was a Christian his sex ideal was sex before marriage and I hadn’t discerned what my sex ideal was. My history with sex was immoral and I wanted things to change. He reassured me he would wait however, I sensed there was tension around this. I then did make a decision, no sex before marriage but foreplay was fine, he said he agreed and was happy. With hindsight I don’t think I was happy with the foreplay but people pleased. When I talked to him about it he said we were doing nothing wrong and because he had been a Christian longer than me I trusted him. The relationship ended and I am reflecting on how to avoid putting myself in a similar situation. What are Christian views around foreplay with a partner before marriage?

READ MORE: Is no sex before marriage out-dated or more important than ever?

Dear Reader,

Firstly, well done for reflecting so honestly. The fact that you’re asking these questions shows real growth in your faith and a desire to honour God with your body, that’s something to celebrate, not shame.

Many Christians therefore see foreplay as part of the sexual relationship reserved for marriage, not a loophole around it.

Within historic Christian teaching, sex is understood as a covenant act designed for marriage. It isn’t just intercourse that’s in view, but sexual intimacy as a whole, anything intentionally arousing and stirring sexual desire toward its physical fulfilment. Many Christians therefore see foreplay as part of the sexual relationship reserved for marriage, not a loophole around it.

Scripture doesn’t give us a technical checklist of permitted behaviours, but it does give us guiding principles: Sex is a unifying act that reflects covenant (Genesis 2:24). We are called to flee sexual immorality, not edge up to it (1 Corinthians 6:18). Love “does not seek its own” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

Foreplay is designed to awaken and intensify sexual desire. Outside marriage, that desire has nowhere holy to go. That’s often why it creates confusion, attachment, frustration or pressure, especially when one partner’s conscience is unsettled.

READ MORE: When God writes the love story: my supernatural marriage setup

What stands out most in your story isn’t a technical question about foreplay, it’s that you weren’t at peace. You sensed tension and you weren’t fully happy. You people-pleased. You deferred to someone “more mature” in faith. Romans 14 teaches that whatever does not come from faith is sin. In other words, if something violates your conscience, even if someone else says it’s fine, it isn’t fine for you. A longer-standing Christian does not automatically equal a more spiritually healthy one. Spiritual maturity is shown in self-control, honour, patience and protecting a sister’s conscience, not in persuading her to relax her boundaries. 

READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I am about to get married, what are top tips for making my marriage last?

Here are some practical guardrails to avoid the situation in the future:

1. Decide your convictions before you’re emotionally attached. It’s much harder to set boundaries mid-relationship. Pray, study Scripture, seek wise counsel, and settle your convictions now.

2. Pay attention to peace, not pressure. The Holy Spirit often nudges through discomfort. If something feels murky, pause.

3. Watch how a man responds to boundaries. A godly man won’t just “agree” reluctantly, he will actively help protect purity. He won’t argue theology to override your conscience.

4. Don’t outsource discernment. Even if someone has been a Christian longer, your walk with God is yours. You are allowed to say, “This doesn’t sit right with me.”

It sounds like you were trying to move away from a past that didn’t reflect your new faith. That’s beautiful. Don’t let hindsight turn into condemnation. Growth often looks like, “I won’t do that again.” Purity isn’t about rule-keeping, it’s about protecting something sacred. God isn’t trying to deprive you; He’s trying to guard your heart, your body and your future covenant. Next time, look for someone whose convictions don’t create tension with yours, someone who wants holiness as much as you do. We are rooting for you!

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Real Talk column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk