Vicki Courtney reflects on how the good desire for motherhood can become an idol. Through her daughter’s pain, she’s reminded that a woman’s true worth lies not in motherhood, but in being a beloved child of God.
For as long as I can remember, my daughter has wanted to be a mother. She tended to her dolls as a young mother-in-training. She staged mock weddings with neighbour boys and played pretend house for hours at a time. She talked about how many children she was going to have one day and what their names would be. And throughout her childhood, I reinforced the teaching that marriage and motherhood were key factors in the happily-ever-after formula of biblical womanhood.
I could not have imagined at the time that her future fairy-tale would not play out as scripted. After a year of trying to get pregnant, my daughter was diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Another two years went by with back-to-back appointments and procedures with a fertility specialist. Watching my daughter and son- in-law suffer one heartbreak after another was unbearable.
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When my oldest son and his wife discovered they were expecting a second child, I was tasked with telling my daughter the bittersweet news. I will never forget the scene as she collapsed in my arms sobbing. Of course, I sobbed right along with her. As I attempted to comfort my daughter in her grief, I fumbled with the right words to say. I tried to reassure her that she had value and worth apart from motherhood and that her happiness did not depend on her ability to bear children. But as I spoke these words, I struggled to believe them. Could I have been happy had I not married or had children?
In my years of ministry, I had taught that Jesus alone satisfies our souls and had warned others against finding their worth and value in anything other than Christ.
In my years of ministry, I had taught that Jesus alone satisfies our souls and had warned others against finding their worth and value in anything other than Christ. Yet as I comforted my daughter in that moment, I was forced to confront the reality that I wasn’t sure I really believed, deep down, that Jesus alone was enough. Somewhere along the way, I had turned motherhood into an idol.
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Seeing my daughter’s pain as she attempted to reconcile whether her life could have purpose without children shook me to the core. That night I confessed to her my own wrestling’s over what I’d been taught regarding a woman’s ultimate purpose. I apologized for imparting the false teaching that a woman’s happiness is tethered to marriage and motherhood.
Nowhere in the Bible does it say your worth is directly linked to a life role you may or may not play.
Nowhere in the Bible does it say your worth is directly linked to a life role you may or may not play. When we list marriage and motherhood as key components of biblical womanhood, we suggest that women who do not marry or have children are somehow unbiblical. Likewise, if motherhood is a woman’s highest calling, does that mean that women who aren’t mothers are, by default, relegated to some lesser calling in life? Do they have less value in the eyes of God? Of course not!
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The purpose we are invited into is no different from that of any human being, regardless of role, gender, age, ethnicity, or status. and to learn about it, there is no better source to go to than Jesus himself. When asked by a Pharisee, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus does not break his answer down into gender- assigned duties and distinct roles for men and women. Rather, he replies,
“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:36-40)
There is nothing wrong with dreaming about marriage and motherhood. There is nothing wrong with finding joy and meaning in those things. I love being a mother. Raising my children has been one of the greatest joys of my life. But we must quit declaring motherhood to be a woman’s highest calling and conflating it with a woman’s ultimate purpose. You are more than a wife. You are more than a mum. You are first and foremost a beloved child of God. Whether you are a mother or not, your highest calling is to know God and make him known.
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