Sally Hope asks whether Christians should really be shocked by allegations that Married at First Sight has allegedly enabled abuse. If the Church also creates cultures where coercion, purity pressure, and harmful teaching flourish, then Christians must ask whether our own culture is truly any better.
Panorama recently revealed allegations of abuse on Channel 4’s reality TV show Married at First Sight. My initial reaction, as a Christian, when I heard these allegations was to think “well that’s not surprising, given how that show cheapens marriage.” However, the job of TV is to reflect society, and in our society 25% of women experience domestic abuse. Any TV show that features a number of romantic relationships is bound to feature domestic abuse, no matter what its premise. Because domestic abuse is a prolific feature of our society.
The particular problem with Married at First Sight is that there is an expectation that the couples involved will be intimate.
The particular problem with Married at First Sight is that there is an expectation that the couples involved will be intimate. Men and women who have only just met are thrown together, alone, in apartments with only one bed and are later expected to discuss their physical relationship with “experts.” It’s hardly any wonder then that one contestant describes her on screen husband saying, “you can’t say no, you’re my wife” before raping her.
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Channel Four and the production company CPL, are accused of not doing enough to protect the female contestants from this abuse, of not challenging it and preventing it, and of creating an environment that fostered it.
Our challenge as Christians is not to simply point the finger at reality TV shows and demand that they do a better job of challenging and preventing abuse, protecting victims and fostering a more healthy environment. Our challenge is to look at our own culture and ask: Do we challenge and prevent abuse enough? Do we protect victims? Do we have a culture that fosters abuse or that promotes safe relationships?
Sadly, if we ask those questions honestly, and if we look at the results: a quarter of Christians reporting that they have experienced abusive behaviours in their current relationship we see that we are no better than Channel 4 and CPL. We are not preventing or challenging abuse, we are not protecting victims and we are also at times, creating a culture where abuse thrives.
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The over-sexualised culture in which Married at First Sight sits values women not for who they are as human beings with inherent dignity and worth, but for what they do sexually. Women are under pressure to look a certain way to appeal to men, to act a certain way that’s deemed attractive, to be good in bed, to “put out.” Women who don’t want to do that are called words like “frigid” or “prude” or “boring.” Virginity is a joke, something to be mocked, in fact Channel 4 airs another reality TV show “Virgin Island” which encourages people to lose their virginity.
All too often Christian culture does not value women as image bearers of God with inherent dignity and worth, but for how much they don’t do sexually. Women are under pressure to “remain pure” to dress “modestly” and act in a way that will ensure they find a “Godly husband”. Women who fail to do that are called “impure” “Jezebel” “temptress” and even worse. In some parts of Christian culture, our worth still revolves around our sexuality and our appeal to men. This culture is no different, it’s the flip side of the same coin.
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It isn’t only women on reality TV shows whose husbands tell them “You can’t say no, you’re my wife” before raping them.
It isn’t only women on reality TV shows whose husbands tell them “You can’t say no, you’re my wife” before raping them. There are whole sermons and books dedicated to reminding Christian women that the Bible says “the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does” and “Do not deprive one another” (from 1 Corinthians 7) conveniently missing out a whole load of context which absolutely does not support marital rape. If you want to see some examples of this look at the work of Sheila Wray Gregoire- Bare Marriage who does a brilliant job of challenging it and calling it out.
I stand with all the survivors calling for Channel 4 to carry out an investigation into what has been happening on their TV show. More than that, I would like to see culture change away from such exploitative content. However, as a Christian, my first duty is to call for a change in our culture to one that removes marriage and virginity from the pedestal we have put them on, and puts love on that pedestal instead. Only when we start talking incessantly about what love really is, and is not, and living that out in our lives, will we start to be any different from the rest of the world in which we live.
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