Five early warning signs of domestic abuse that Christians might miss

There are signs we can look out for in the early days of a relationship that can provide “red flags” that the other person might be an abuser. Does he tell racist, sexist or homophobic jokes? How does he treat waiters and retail workers? How does he talk about his ex? Is he love-bombing: buying excessive gifts or making excessively romantic gestures? Does he seem to have grandiose or sob stories about himself? Does he have mini-sulks or mood swings? Sometimes however, Christian beliefs and culture may make it difficult for us to  recognise some of those red flags.

READ MORE: ‘I re-discovered hope in God after domestic abuse and now I want to help other women to do the same’

Here are five red flags that Christian women should pay particular attention to: 

1. He says that God has chosen you for each other: It sounds romantic doesn’t it? Almost like in fairytales where the protagonists are destined to be together. Except it feels more real than a fairytale because it’s not “destiny” that brought you together but “God.” When we sincerely believe that our partner has been handpicked for us by God it makes it very difficult for us to deal with any issues in the relationship. Questioning the relationship feels a bit like questioning God so we are more likely to minimise or just put up with bad behaviour. God gives us free will to choose our own romantic partners.

2. Rushing to commitment: The tendency in Christian culture to encourage couples to marry quickly may be because of a Christian sexual ethic that discourages sex outside of marriage. Many people will quote St Paul: “It is better to marry than be aflame with passion” (1 Cor 7:9) and so short courtships have become normalised in our culture. Wanting to move the relationship along quickly is a common tactic of abusers, because the more commitment we have made the harder it is for us to leave and the easier it is for us to be isolated and controlled. It’s healthy and wise in any relationship to take your time to get to know someone before you make the lifelong commitment of marriage.

READ MORE: The Church is responsible for preventing abuse and protecting the vulnerable

In a healthy relationship trust is central and friendships with others are encouraged.

3. Isolating you / Discouraging your friendships. There is sometimes a cultural phenomenon of married men and women being discouraged from friendships with members of the opposite sex in order to avoid temptation. This can be used by abusers as an excuse for jealousy and to isolate you from friends and even family. In the early days he may come across as sweet, maybe turning up with surprise tickets on a night you had planned to spend with friends, or saying “I just love you so much I want to be with you all the time.” In a healthy relationship trust is central and friendships with others are encouraged.

In the early days abusers will push our boundaries over insignificant things in order to establish a pattern of us giving in.

4. Disrespecting your privacy/boundaries. This can be behaviour such as going through your phone or trying to read messages over your shoulder, asking who you are texting etc. Or it can be anything that attempts to push your boundaries, even if it’s not sexual or invasive: in the early days it could be insisting you eat something you don’t like “just try it” or do something you don’t enjoy “oh go on, do it for me.” In the early days abusers will push our boundaries over insignificant things in order to establish a pattern of us giving in. Sometimes, as Christian women, because of a potential misunderstanding of the theology around married couples becoming “one flesh” we may feel that we should not have boundaries with our significant other. This is not true. Boundaries are helpful, they keep us safe and help us to grow as individuals, anyone who loves and respects you should respect your boundaries.

READ MORE: Is the UK Government’s new ‘flee fund’ for survivors of domestic abuse a good idea?

5. You don’t feel good about yourself when you have been with him. The Bible exhorts Christians to “encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Abusers tear down our self-esteem. In the early days abusers can be very subtle in the way they make us feel bad about ourselves; they may use backhanded compliments, or disguise criticism as “loving words of advice.” We might not recognise this especially if we are used to looking to men as spiritual leaders, or if we are seeking to be humble. At the start of a relationship it is good to ask yourself “How do I feel about myself when I have been with him?” If you don’t feel like you are a wonderfully created image bearer of God, full of the strength of the Holy Spirit and worthy of love and respect, then that could be a sign that something isn’t right.   

If you’ve experienced domestic abuse before my book No Visible Scars has more detail about how to spot red flags and stay safe from abuse in future relationships.