Writer Katie Gauden reflects on how our attachment patterns shape the way we see ourselves and others. She explores how growing in security can help us live out Jesus’ call to love more fully.
Experts suggest that around 40% of people have an insecure attachment style, which means a significant number of us carry negative core wounds, thought patterns and coping behaviours that impact how we feel about ourselves and others.
As a life coach with training in Integrated Attachment Theory, I’ve learnt tools for helping people understand their attachment style and grow more secure. As a Christian with lived experience of this process, I can see how becoming secure helps us better “love our neighbours as ourselves”.
One impact of insecurity is that we can subconsciously place ourselves below or above others with a view to soothing our wounded core into feeling safer and more loved. In other words, since our insecurities lead us to consider ourselves not of equal worth to others, we may lean towards people-pleasing or self-pleasing narcissistic tendencies.
READ MORE: Is attraction spiritual or scientific?
Therefore, to actively “love our neighbours as ourselves” is more difficult when we’re insecure about our own sense of value and loveability.
Therefore, to actively “love our neighbours as ourselves” is more difficult when we’re insecure about our own sense of value and loveability. While the conscious, more rational part of our brain (the prefrontal cortex) may want to follow through on God’s commandments, the subconscious, more emotional part of our brain (the limbic system) has far more sway on what we end up doing. In fact, neuroscientists estimate that up to 95% of our feelings, behaviours and decisions are driven by the subconscious.
READ MORE: Taylor Swift’s lyrics remind me of the invisible string of God’s love; a cosmic romance that never fails
So, it stands to reason that doing what is required by this important commandment – second only to “loving the Lord your God with all your heart” – is more easily achieved with a healthy self-esteem. We need a perspective of ourselves as equally valuable to others, while uniquely different and humanly flawed. No-one is perfect. We have all “fallen short of the glory of God” and yet we are all “fearfully and wonderfully made” by that same loving God who gave his Son as a sacrifice to bring us into right relationship with him.
As we read the Bible, we find stories that support this theory. In Luke 10, Martha shows us the impact on others when we choose to people-please and consider ourselves less than. She grows resentful of her sister and complains to Jesus as Mary chooses to listen to him speak rather than help her host. Women at that time would have been expected to organise hospitality and certainly not participate in the conversations of men. Mary is breaking cultural rules by raising herself up to sit at Jesus’ feet. Controversially, Jesus supports Mary’s choice, while kindly highlighting the anxiety that sits behind Martha’s protest. Seen in another light, Jesus encourages Martha to rethink her subconscious bias and to see Mary’s behaviour differently.
READ MORE: Womenswear designer Karen Millen has shamed mothers who breastfeed beyond six months
In Luke 15, we read the story of the Prodigal Son, depicting the impact of narcissistic tendencies. The younger son disrespectfully requests his inheritance early, then fritters it all away on self-pleasing “reckless living”. Yet, the gracious father (representing our Father in heaven) greets his wayward son with open arms when the boy realises the error of his ways and returns home. This story shows the journey of the prodigal son from arrogant to humble; self-focused to Father-focused. He drops from a place of superiority to one of inferiority.
In his loving-kindness, the Father chooses not to punish this “prodigal son”, nor to leave him in a place of inferiority.
In his loving-kindness, the Father chooses not to punish this “prodigal son”, nor to leave him in a place of inferiority. Instead, he raises him up to equal status with the elder son who has not rebelled in the same way; much to the elder son’s disgust. Interestingly, we see the insecurity of the performance-based elder son come to the fore in this moment. And again, we see the Father doesn’t pander to the elder son’s complaints. Instead, he gently asks him to see things differently. Both sons are equally loved, even though only one son had gone so obviously astray.
These stories show that neither exclusively “other-focused” behaviours nor exclusively “self-focused” ones lead to loving others well. Elsewhere in the Bible, we see that favouritism – another imbalance in worth – also creates discord among people. We see the negative impact of placing people on a pedestal through the story of Jacob and his mum’s preferential treatment of him, followed by his own preferential treatment of Joseph. The impact of both misaligning of another’s value leads to discord. We see little evidence of God’s commandment to “love our neighbours as ourselves” as a result.
Thankfully, Jesus shows us, through these stories and elsewhere in the Bible, that God has compassion for both ends of the insecurity spectrum. More importantly, we’re shown God’s desire to restore us into a right place with Him, as equally loved even while uniquely different and flawed. Insecurity-led superiority or inferiority among people have no place in God’s kingdom. God is sovereign and we are all equal before Him, thanks to Jesus’ loving sacrifice in the face of our flawed humanity.
No comments yet