Writer Tabby Kibugi reflects on her decision to spend the holidays by herself for the first time. Drawing on her experience as a Black eldest daughter raised in a traditional African Christian household, she explores how choosing rest over expectation has become an act of spiritual preservation.
For the first time in my life this year, I’ll be spending Christmas completely on my own. I’m a Christian woman who was raised in a traditional African household, and as the eldest daughter where most responsibilities fell on me, this feels long overdue. Every December, people all over the world return home to spend precious time with their loved ones. They buy Christmas gifts for their family, go home, kick their feet up, and reflect on the past year and the one to come. But this is not the reality for many Black women like me.
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While others are relaxing, we are often caught up in numerous responsibilities such as preparing all meals from morning to evening
While others are relaxing, we are often caught up in numerous responsibilities such as preparing all meals from morning to evening, handling chores, mediating family dynamics or any issues that may come up. Somehow, at the end of it all, I’m still expected to radiate festive cheer, no matter how I feel. Women already struggle with gender roles and expectations, both at home and even at work. According to UNESCO, women are responsible for 75% of all unpaid care and domestic work, and women perform 76.2% of total hours of unpaid care work globally. But during the holiday season, these responsibilities double or triple up.
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For me, that usually starts the moment I land. Before I have even unpacked my suitcase or revealed what gifts I’ve brought my siblings, I’m being asked what we’re cooking, which neighbours are coming over. And before I even know it, I’m cleaning the dusty house with my sisters, working in the firewood kitchen, my eyes swimming with tears and with a runny nose while my brothers drop their luggages and head out to catch up with friends. By Christmas morning, my body is thoroughly fatigued. And yet, at the end of it all, I’m still expected to smile and be grateful for what I have and radiate festive cheer, all the unpaid labour notwithstanding.
In many African families, particularly for the eldest daughters, celebrating Christmas is often seen as a measure of love and devotion
In many African families, particularly for the eldest daughters, celebrating Christmas is often seen as a measure of love and devotion. The more labour you do, the greater the proof of your love to your family, so it’s hard to opt out. But for me, the pressure of this cultural expectation has now outweighed the joy of the holidays. Instead of feeling spiritually renewed, I find myself exhausted and resentful by the end of the holiday season. Over the years, I’ve come to realise that this festive season was slowly eroding my spiritual wellbeing.
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And so this year, I’m choosing to celebrate Christmas alone in a way that actually nourishes me. I want to spend time on my own reflecting, praying, and truly celebrating the birth of Christ without the constant pressure of thinking about which neighbour might feel offended if they’re not invited over for Christmas Eve dinner or which of my siblings are having a spat in the next room. It’s not that I don’t love my family, but I’ve realised that giving myself the space to rest in God’s presence is what I need the most right now, to sit in church and actually listen to what’s being preached instead of thinking about what still needs to be done when I get home.
What I am learning is that rest is not unchristian, even though many women are taught to treat it that way. Jesus withdrew from crowds. He stepped away to pray, he rested, even when people still wanted things from him. Scripture is full of reminders that Sabbath matters. And yet, Christian women, especially Black eldest daughters, are often praised for exhausting themselves and keeping everyone happy during the holiday season. I no longer believe God requires exhaustion as proof of love, either for him or for my family. This Christmas, choosing rest is how I am protecting my faith. I am finally admitting that if I want my relationship with God to stay alive, I need space and time to nourish my faith. For me, that is what honouring Christ looks like this Christmas.
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