In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ the Woman Alive panel answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us a confidential email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, we answer a questions about porn - what do you do when your husband won’t stop watching it?
Dear Woman Alive,
I feel like I need help because I’m at my wit’s end. My husband watched porn before we were married and I said I wanted him to stop. He agreed and as far as I was concerned that was the end of it. But a year or so ago I saw that he’d been going on porn websites on his laptop. We had a big argument and he admitted that he’d never really stopped. I felt so hurt and betrayed and since then it’s been an ongoing battle. I’m hurt by the lies and disgusted that he can’t seem to stop. I just feel lost.
Dear Reader
This is really tough and I wish I had a simple solution for you. I try not to take sides with these dilemmas but I absolutely hate porn and think it ruins not just relationships but lives. So although I might get into trouble with my editor for saying this, I want you to know that I’m on your side.
I’m glad that you discussed this before marriage and came to a similar agreement that porn consumption was not healthy for your marital relationship. This means that you no longer have to fight for whether porn is okay or not, because you have both agreed that it is not.
I absolutely hate porn and think it ruins not just relationships but lives.
However, I feel for your husband because this sounds very much like an addiction and addictions are particularly hard to break – no matter how much we might love our partners. You say that you feel hurt and disgusted and it is possible your husband will be feeling similarly; knowing that he broke an agreement you had and seeing how you respond to him having failed to do as he said. This means he might also be feeling a double dose of shame.
It is my (limited) understanding of addictions that getting to a point of abstinence is extremely important for the person dealing with the addiction. In the case of an addiction to alcohol or drugs for example, they will be encouraged to never interact with these substances again and while hard, this is mostly possible. However, because porn is related to sex and you are a married couple, this might not be so easy.
He may be feeling disappointed in himself and defensive as a result so it’s important to remind him that you are on the same team.
I think first, you and your husband need to get on the same page about how you move forward. Do you both want to stay married? If so, I would urge you to set aside your (valid) feelings of disgust towards him – directing them to the addiction instead – and let your husband know that you love him unconditionally and will work through this with him, as long as he is willing to. He may be feeling disappointed in himself and defensive as a result so it’s important to remind him that you are on the same team. Therapy can be complicated when it feels like only one of you has the “issue” so I would urge him to see a therapist on his own for a while and then book a couples therapist once he has had a few solo sessions to help reconnect you.
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Also, this might seem a bit left but I recommend sitting down with him and working out your love languages, or reminding each other if you have done it before. When someone is dealing with something like a porn addiction with all the shame and guilt it might incur, knowing and feeling loved is really important. Once you are sure of his, show him in as many ways as you can that you love him while giving him space to work out his own issues with his therapist.
If you can help it, avoid throwing any shade about porn during this period and crucially, don’t shut him out. Keep praying for your husband and your marriage and as Christian leader and author Joyce Meyer famously says when trouble comes and you don’t know where to turn: just trust God and do good.
I hope this is helpful. I know it might sound as though you have to do a lot of the heavy lifting but it’s only for a season! I pray it works out for you both.
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk
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