When Christmas hurts

It’s December – the month of glittering lights, joyful smiles and eager anticipation. But for many, this season is far from merry.

If you’ve experienced loss this year – whether the death of a loved one or the ending of a relationship through separation, divorce or disagreement – you may be dreading this month. Please know this: you are not alone.

Every December, I make a point of talking about grief and loss, especially with those facing their first Christmas with an empty chair at the table. To anyone in this situation, the first thing I want to say is this: you are not alone. We don’t talk about it enough. Hallmark doesn’t make movies about it. But grief and sadness at Christmas are real and common emotions.

In my practice, I spend much of December reassuring patients that it’s normal to dread the season – to feel detached from the festive excitement and even isolated from the world around you.

Reaching out for support

As a GP, my advice to those struggling with grief and bereavement is to seek help if needed. I am always happy to sit with someone during the raw period following a bereavement. Grief is not an illness to be cured, but a journey to be supported.

Sometimes, support simply involves creating space to talk; at other times, it may include practical assistance – arranging time off work, connecting someone with local bereavement counsellors or providing medical care if sleep, anxiety or low mood begin to affect them. I often remind patients that reaching out for help is an act of courage, not weakness. There is always a way forward, one small step at a time, often starting with the simplest act of sharing how you feel.

My own experience of grief at Christmas

Over a decade ago, my own family suffered a bereavement just two days before Christmas. I still remember standing in a supermarket with my sister, surrounded by the rush and chatter of shoppers, feeling as though I was trapped in a silent bubble while the world spun on around me. My world had stopped.

For several years afterwards, I felt no joy at Christmas. The empty space was too obvious. Yet I felt pressured to act ‘normal’, not to let others down. I know of families who still set a place for their loved one at the table, acknowledging their absence – and their continued presence in their hearts.

Gentle advice for the grieving

The season seems to magnify who is missing, whether through bereavement or relationship breakdown. If you find yourself in this situation as Christmas approaches, here are a few gentle reminders that I pray will bring you peace and comfort.

Take it to your heavenly Father Scripture is full of promises for those who mourn and seek comfort, such as:

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4).

“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).

“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

God offers comfort and peace that surpasses all understanding; I have experienced the reality of that. Ask him for it. Rest in it. Let him sustain you through the dark days.

Speak about your feelings Don’t be afraid to talk about how you feel. Sharing your grief will not dampen anyone’s celebrations. Your emotions are real and deserve to be acknowledged. You don’t have to pretend to be happy.

Remember your loved one Say their name. Share memories. It’s very likely others feel the same. Some families set a place at the table, not to dwell on loss, but to honour love that remains.

Trust that joy will return In time, it will. It may be different, but it will come. The glittering lights and familiar songs will one day stir hope again. You’ll still remember your loved one – but with fondness instead of pain.

As Christians, we can sometimes feel we ‘shouldn’t’ be sad, knowing our loved one is in a better place. Yet grief is part of being human. Even Jesus wept (John 11:35), as he experienced the pain of loss. Don’t rush through it, and don’t feel guilty for feeling it. Be kind to yourself.

Supporting others well

If you know someone facing their first Christmas without someone dear, take a moment in all the busyness to reach out. Pick up the phone, invite them for coffee and simply listen. Don’t try to cheer them up or change the subject – just be present. There’s deep healing in allowing someone to speak their loved one’s name without fear of making others uncomfortable.

God’s promise to us

Finally, remember this beautiful promise: “I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow” (Jeremiah 31:13).

We long for the day when death and loss will be no more. Until then, God promises to be our comfort here on earth – to turn mourning into joy, and to walk with us every step of the way.

Remember

You are not alone Around one in five people in the UK say they find Christmas emotionally difficult because of bereavement or loss. If you’re struggling this season, remember you’re not the only one. 

Grief is a normal response According to Cruse Bereavement Support, over six million adults in the UK experience grief each year. Grief is not a sign of weakness or lack of faith; it’s a natural response to love.

Be present for the grieving Studies show that simply listening without trying to ‘fix’ someone’s grief is one of the most powerful forms of support. Your quiet presence can be a sacred gift.

Joy will return Psychologists note that grief often softens over time. Most people begin to experience moments of joy again within 12-18 months. Those moments are not betrayal, but a sign of healing.