Sophie Sanders explores how the modern meaning of love might be shifting in ways we didn’t expect, from romantic gestures to something far more ordinary, and far more revealing. Drawing on research, culture, and the example of Jesus himself, she asks whether acts of service at home could actually be one of the most powerful expressions of desire and devotion.
You’ve probably come across the five love languages, which were developed by Gary Chapman and made famous in his best-selling eponymous book. From words of affirmation to quality time, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service, the love languages provide a framework for understanding how you give and receive love. And, according to recent studies, the less-than-sexy-sounding acts of service category is having a renaissance. Forget flirty texts, dedicated date nights, and bunches of flowers, what women really want is guys to make the bed, take out the bins, fold the laundry, and unstack the dishwasher. And recent studies have shown that adults aged 25–34 are most chore-smitten.
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But the idea that libido and laundry, ardour and automobile care, sexual desire and sweeping are linked predates the turn of the century.
Perhaps surprisingly, this is not a new headline. A quick Google search revealed that this topic hit broadsheets in the early noughties. But the idea that libido and laundry, ardour and automobile care, sexual desire and sweeping are linked predates the turn of the century. Think back to the iconic Friends episode (S6, E7) in which Chandler tries to surprise Monica by deep cleaning her apartment but then forgets how everything is supposed to look – a trope which has since been picked up by other sitcoms such as How I Met Your Mother and Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
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Put simply, women have been looking for their domestic god for longer than we might imagine. And there’s science to back this belief up. In 2006, a paper published in the Journal of Marriage and Family revealed that couples who shared the load of household tasks relatively equally reported having 36% more sex. Commenting on this study, the historian Stephanie Coontz reflected that heterosexual couples were viewing marriage very differently to previous generations: ‘where difference was once the basis of desire, equality is increasingly becoming erotic’. In other words, our society is no longer built on male breadwinners and female homemakers; the emancipation of women has changed narratives of desire.
READ MORE: How understanding attachment theory helped me to ‘love my neighbour’
As those who follow Jesus, what are we to make of this cultural shift?
As those who follow Jesus, what are we to make of this cultural shift? Well, whether, in theological terms, you’re a staunch egalitarian or a committed complementarian, I think it’s something to celebrate and to learn from in our marriages. We trust in a God whose love was characterised by acts of service – cooking breakfast for his disciples by the Sea of Galilee (John 21:12), washing his disciples’ grubby feet (John 13:1–17), and most significantly giving his life for us soon the cross (Mark 10:45). And he calls us to follow his example by practically and readily helping our spouses – to be ‘devoted to one another in love’ and to ‘honour the other above ourselves’ (Romans 12:10). It’s no wonder that as we soak stubborn grime on saucepans, scrub skid marks from the loo, and remove a full week’s hair from the plug hole, our spouse is likely to feel more attracted to us. This is our Creator’s blueprint for love and it’s something to celebrate.
For fellow singletons, there’s lots for us to learn here, too. As we look for ways to love our housemates well, our relationships will grow deeper and stronger – and that includes acts of service around the house. Maybe you could wash up your housemate’s tower of dirty crockery, offer them a portion of home-cooked food when they’ve had a hard day at work, or take ownership of buying new bin bags when an impasse takes hold. As you do these (relatively simple) things, you’ll be pointing those you live with to Jesus and reminding yourself of his sacrificial, practical love for you. In the words of preacher A W Tozer, ‘God is in all our simple deeds and we can learn to find him there’.
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