REAL TALK: My husband is refusing to talk to our children about sex

Dear Woman Alive,

We have four children, two girls and two boys, my oldest is nearly 14, and I am very aware that sex is something we need to talk about with her and our other kids, but my husband avoids the subject completely. As Christians we believe in no sex before marriage, but obviously culture is saying something different. I want him to lead on this, but he is in denial! Do you have any guidance on how to speak to our children about sex?

READ MORE: Is no sex before marriage out-dated or more important than ever?

Dear Reader,

There is a lot to unpack here, but before tackling the initial question, I think it may help to gently let go of the expectation that your husband needs to lead this. It sounds as though you have an expectation of him that, at this point, he may not be able to meet. I do understand that. Sometimes we long for someone else to handle the difficult conversations. As a mum of four, I know how deeply rewarding and challenging family life can be.

First, it would be helpful to let go of any expectations that could quietly turn into resentment.

First, it would be helpful to let go of any expectations that could quietly turn into resentment. A gentle, loving and non-confrontational conversation with your husband may help. You could explain that this does not need to be one big, awkward talk, but rather a series of small, honest, age-appropriate conversations over time. And perhaps, as your instincts seem strong, you could begin this process. Your husband may simply not know where to start. Perhaps relationships, intimacy and sex were not discussed openly when he was young. Many parents avoid these conversations not because they don’t care, but because they feel embarrassed, protective or overwhelmed.

READ MORE: REAL TALK: What are Christian views around foreplay with a partner before marriage?

This past weekend, I took two of my sons to see Romeo and Juliet. My 14-year-old pointed out that Juliet was only 13, which naturally led to a brief conversation about marriage, relationships and how much has changed. It reminded me that these little conversations, woven into everyday life, are often far more helpful than one formal discussion around the kitchen table.

Culture does not get to define our faith or beliefs, but it does shape the world our children are growing up in.

Culture does not get to define our faith or beliefs, but it does shape the world our children are growing up in. Social media can open an easily accessible Pandora’s box, and burying our heads in the sand will not adequately prepare our children. As parents, we have a responsibility to protect, guide and educate them so they can make healthy, wise decisions.

There are many resources available, but I would encourage parents to read any book first, prayerfully and carefully, before placing it directly into a teenager’s hands. Some may be useful conversation starters, but they still need to be considered alongside our own faith, values and discernment. Children, boys and girls alike, need to hear about bodies, boundaries, respect, self-worth, healthy relationships and the sanctity of marriage from us, not just from friends or screens.

Jesus gives us the foundation in John 13:34: “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” Christian teaching on relationships is not simply about saying no to the culture, but about saying a deeper yes to love that is faithful, truthful, sacrificial and kind. Through God’s loving protection and open conversations at home, children are far better equipped to understand their worth and make safer, healthier choices.

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 reminds us that love is patient and kind. What a beautiful message to share with our children. This is the clearest description of love I know and, just as importantly, a reminder of what love should never become. Children will seek answers with or without our guidance. Isn’t it better that we lovingly walk alongside them as they do?

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Real Talk column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk