Writer Alisha Roth shares how walking away from an abusive marriage became one of the hardest, and bravest, decisions of her life. In this deeply personal reflection, she reveals how God met her through fear, loss and uncertainty, transforming heartbreak into a journey of courage and renewed faith.
As a little girl, I learned about courage when I heard the story of Joshua. God encouraged Joshua to be strong and courageous, to not be afraid or discouraged, because he would be with him wherever he went. From this story, I learned that I didn’t have to fear because I was never alone.
But when I went through a divorce in 2020, fear certainly poked its head out. I wondered how I would make it financially as a single mum of four young daughters. I wondered where we would live. I wondered what my future would look like now that the one I had persistently planned for years was shattered. And I wondered whether God still loved me as my marital status changed and divorce felt like such a great sin that perhaps God could not forgive it. All of this wondering made my heart race, and fear overwhelmed me at times.
In those moments, I took deep breaths, breathing in the love and faithfulness of God that I had always known. This change in my life felt enormous, and there were times when I felt alone, but I was not. The Creator of the universe went before me, lighting the path.
READ MORE: Moving on from divorce as a Christian woman
I chose courage when I made the decision to leave an abusive marriage. There were many moments when staying felt easier. The stigma and judgement that come with divorce, and the way it upends your life, can keep people stuck in unhealthy relationship dynamics for years. Eventually, though, it became clear that I needed to leave for my own health and wholeness. So I dug deep and found courage, the same courage that led Joshua into the Promised Land, and I left my marriage.
I chose courage when I took on multiple part-time jobs to support myself and my four daughters. In order to spend as much time with them as possible and provide them with consistency as our lives changed, I found flexible work. I worked at night while they slept and on the days they were with their dad. I found jobs that allowed me to bring my daughters with me or that I could do from home. I trusted that the money I needed would be provided, and I bravely learned new skills.
READ MORE: Life after adultery and divorce
I chose courage when I lost many friends and family members.
I chose courage when I lost many friends and family members. The faith tradition I grew up in harshly judged divorce, and as a result, my community grew distant and judgemental. This felt devastating and lonely. It felt scary to build a new community, knowing that I could be hurt again. But I knew I needed people, so I clung to courage. I joined a group of women who met once a month, found a spiritual community that lived authentically with open hearts and acceptance, and eventually joined a church again when I found one that held tender space for those who had gone through divorce. Six years later, I am so grateful for the community I have built. I am surrounded by an incredible group of people who fully know me and love me.
READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I have fallen out of love with my husband, when is it ok to get a divorce?
I even chose courage when I allowed my relationship with God to crumble and be rebuilt. God was big enough to handle my questions, my doubts, my hurt and my anger. I re-examined the beliefs I had been taught, held them up to the fire, and allowed what didn’t burn to remain while letting everything else go. I became a child again, allowing myself to be filled with awe and wonder at who God might be, rather than keeping him inside the box that had been handed to me. What I discovered was a God who is infinitely greater than I could have imagined—one whom I am continually awakening to.
God’s people have always had giants placed in their paths, moments when they were given the choice to cave to fear or lean into courage. For me, that giant was divorce. I thought my divorce might drown me, but it didn’t. Instead, it allowed a new wave of mercy, love and courage to wash over me, drawing me closer to the Alpha and Omega, the God of both beginnings and endings.
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