Great Sexpectations: My Christian boyfriend was a narcissist

Dear Woman Alive,

I met a lovely Christian guy when I was nearly 40. He was a few years younger than me, but we had an instant connection and he seemed to be pursuing me. I felt I was being treated like a Princess. I fell in love, and believed this man was going to be my husband, until the cracks appeared. In the beginning he talked about a future together, but as time went by, he could never actually commit, saying it was too soon after the end of another relationship. So we had a ‘situationship’ instead of an actual ‘relationship’. He kept me going for months, happy to kiss me, but I eventually realised he was keeping his options open, and I never trusted him around other women. I was devastated, and when I read a description of narcissism, I recognised many of the traits in him. I am free from him now, but it took a long time, as he didn’t want to let me go, but also didn’t want to commit. He said he loved me, but it was complicated. My question is, how can I protect myself in the future from men that are narcissists? What are the red flags I should look out for, and how can I trust again?

Dear Reader,

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. It’s hard enough being a single woman over 30 in church, where we often do a dreadful job of honouring singleness, without some bloke happily stringing you along without wanting to commit.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. It’s hard enough being a single woman over 30 in church where we often do a dreadful job of honouring singleness, without some bloke happily stringing you along without wanting to commit.

Here are a few things you can do for the future. Firstly, work out what you proactively want in a husband. You are a partner in any relationship, not a servant, so you need to know what you want in a relationship. Get clear on your criteria.

Also know where your own growing edges are. Whilst I know you want to be married, revel in your current freedom as a single person. If the Lord does send you a husband, that will be curtailed, so enjoy it now. Lose yourself in the Lord and how he sees you, and that confidence in him alone will repel messers as they’ll see you’re not someone whose emotions they can treat cheaply.

Beware ‘love-bombing’. Someone can be besotted with you and spoiling you but if it’s movie-level intensity, beware.

Words are great, but do their actions align? How do they treat others? Not least those serving them or that they have authority over. Beware ‘love-bombing’. Someone can be besotted with you and spoiling you but if it’s movie-level intensity, beware. Trust takes time to build and someone trying to shortcut to feelings of intimacy is a red flag.

And if everything is on their terms i.e: all take, no give, then that’s another. Finally, well done on allowing yourself to see the red flags, even if not initially. Ultimately, you paid attention to your gut and you got out of there. Well done. That took courage, especially when he was throwing the L word around and making excuses to try to keep you in that situation. Your gut was holding up red flags and actually I think you’ll be quicker to listen to them if there’s a next time.

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

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