Can egalitarians and complementarians really get along?

If you are familiar with the terms ‘egalitarian’ and ‘complementarian’, I guarantee the title and introduction of this article have either made you scoff loudly or lean in just a little closer. These terms represent a spectrum of contentious views around the way that scripture is interpreted. It’s an argument that has been going on for…well, ever; about whether men and women were given specific roles to carry out by God, all the way back at the beginning when he first made humankind. One set of people think he did. One set of people think he didn’t. Another set of people don’t care at all. 

Few debates in the Church today generate as much passion, pain and division as the discussion around gender roles. Are men and women called to serve together in equal leadership, or has God assigned them distinct roles within the home and church? The debate between egalitarians (who believe men and women should have equal access to all roles) and complementarians (who believe men and women have some distinct and some shared, God-given roles) has divided congregations, seminaries, movements and even friendships. But must it be this way? Those on opposite sides of the theological fence often injure one another regarding this particular issue, yet I have come to believe we can heal from the damage that is often caused. 

A dividing line or an opportunity?

I don’t say this lightly. I’ve personally encountered hurt over the issues surrounding the debate about gender roles in ministry and I’ve also spent time listening to the stories of other women who have had similar experiences. 

One young woman responded to an altar call for those with the gift of preaching and teaching, unusual for her complementarian setting. She was sadly left alone at the front as all the men who had responded were prayed for but she wasn’t. She returned to her seat, the red flags of disgrace and imposter syndrome, no doubt, waving constantly in her peripheral vision. 

Another talented woman I met described a marked difference she felt after her husband became an elder in the church they had jointly planted. She commented that she had to “get used to simply being a wife again”, implying that her opportunities to shape and influence felt very different once a more formal leadership structure had been established. 

Few debates in the Church today generate as much passion, pain and division as the discussion around gender roles

On another occasion, I was asked to interact with a forum of women in church streams espousing egalitarian theology. Whereas their theology said there should be no basis for women being treated differently to men in their contexts, these women met to address the practical evidence that suggested otherwise. They took exception to institution-wide pay gaps between men and women, as well as the disproportionately low number of female leaders in senior positions, and highlighted the sad mistreatment of the few that did hold those senior positions. 

What is spotlighted here is not a critique of the underlying theology behind these stories. Rather, it is simply to highlight that in reality it is entirely possible to believe that we hold the ‘correct’ theology, yet apply it in ways that are clumsy and painful to others. This can be why there is so much disagreement and pain provoked by the topic of gender roles in ministry.

I know, and have seen first-hand, how complex it can be to apply ancient scripture to modern-day lives. At the heart of this issue lies more than theological interpretations: it touches identity, calling and deeply personal experiences. For many women, the question of whether they can lead, preach or have authority in the Church is not an abstract discussion – it is a lived reality that impacts their sense of purpose and belonging. For others, it is a matter of obedience to scripture and preserving God’s intended order.

Given these deeply held convictions, how can we move beyond theological battles and maintain real, meaningful relationships? The answer may lie not in convincing each other who is ‘right’, but in how we navigate disagreement with love, humility and choosing to put others before ourselves.

Lessons from King Solomon’s court

The biblical account of two women standing before King Solomon (1 Kings 3:16-28), each claiming to be the mother of a child, might seem an unusual place to find applicable wisdom for the gender debate – yet there are numerous similarities. Two sides claim ownership rights; their viewpoints are angrily contested. Both seek justice for a wrong endured, both are convinced their reasoning and views are justified. At the centre of the story there is a child being fought over; if the argument is not resolved it will lead to the child’s death and destruction, much like the vitriol over this issue threatens the unity of the Church.

Those in the complementarian camp and those taking an egalitarian stance in the debate believe their reasoning to be the correct way of interpreting scripture. Both present compelling cases, argued for by God-fearing men and women on each side. Yet, even after reading widely across the spectrum of views, it can remain difficult to know who is right. We face the same quandary as the king in the story. Solomon, in his God-given wisdom, discerned the true mother’s heart not by examining laws or traditions, but by observing love in action.

Could it be that our greatest testimony to the world is not proving our theological stance but demonstrating the depth of our love for one another? Jesus himself said: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35). If our debates result in division, resentment or pride, have we really won anything at all?

From debate to dialogue

Thriving together in the Church requires more than tolerance: it demands curiosity, grace and the ability to sit with someone who sees the world differently and still say: “I see Christ in you.” This means listening well, not just to refute, but to understand. It means holding our convictions with both humility and courage, recognising that even those who disagree with us are earnestly seeking to honour God. 

To move forward together we may need to shift the focus from who has the right to lead to: how can men and women lead together in love? We need fresh vision as those co-commissioned by God to extend his kingdom as Adam and Eve were in Genesis 1:28. Rather than dismissing one another as opponents, we are called to recognise that we are, in fact, co-labourers in Christ’s kingdom. The early Church, as seen in Romans 16, was a tapestry of men and women working together, each honoured for their role in spreading the gospel.

What’s at stake if we don’t resolve this?

The negative rhetoric generated by the arguments around whether women should be able to ‘preach/teach’, or hold certain ‘offices’ of church governance, can send the message that women are ‘less needed’ in the work of bringing life in the kingdom of God. When this happens, it can introduce insecurity into women’s call to reach the lost and can slow down the Church, as it effectively freezes some of its very valuable assets. 

Korea and Iran are said to be currently experiencing an explosion of secret disciple-making movements across the nations, largely being pioneered by women set on fire by the gospel. China is another nation where underground house churches have reportedly flourished as women have taken a lead, bucking the trends of cultures not favourable to women’s gifts.

Could it be that our greatest testimony to the world is not proving our theological stance but demonstrating the depth of our love for one another?

To allow us to flourish as co-labouring brothers and sisters we need to address anything that hinders our ability to work with one another and reconcile any issues that have arisen from our past history together. Time is short and Jesus is soon returning (Revelation 22:20); may we continue to keep focused on the vast, ripe harvest, while at the same time work to resolve all that might slow down the spread of the gospel.

Recently, my local charismatic church has partnered with an Anglican church in our community to prayer walk and talk to people about Jesus on the streets. I was recently put through my paces by Mike, a friend of mine in his 70s who has probably been rejected more times for sharing his faith than I have had hot dinners! Yet, I had to quicken my stride to keep up as he bounded after any person we came across. He shows no signs of slowing or losing his zeal, even in his older years. It stirred me deeply to see men and women from different denominations and different generations come together to push back the darkness, one street at a time, in our local neighbourhood. Men and women have an opportunity, every day, to choose to delight in their similarities and be perpetually intrigued by one another’s differences, spurring each other on to be more together than we could be apart.

A call to a new kind of relationship

So, can egalitarians and complementarians thrive together in the same setting? The answer is a resounding yes – if we are willing to prioritise Christ-likeness above controversy. This doesn’t mean watering down convictions or pretending differences don’t exist. It means choosing love over the need to ‘win’ a theological argument. It means making space for lament and listening deeply to one another where hurt has occurred. It means celebrating the good we see in one another, even when we disagree on doctrine.

We do not have to wait for total agreement to work together, serve together and love one another well. If anything, our unity amid diversity may be the very thing that points a watching world to Jesus.

Perhaps, like Solomon’s courtroom, the real test is not in proving who is right but in demonstrating who loves well. And in the end, isn’t that what truly matters?