In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, Dr Kathrine McAleese answers someone who wants to know if visiting new churches is an acceptable way to find a husband.
Dear Woman Alive,
I grew up in a Christian family, and so have gone to church since I was born pretty much. I know everyone in my home church, and although I am in my late twenties, I went to university and got a great job in my same city, so have just stayed at my family church. The only problem is there are no guys my age there. Should I leave to go to a different church with more young people? I live in a big city with quite a few churches, and honestly I am tempted to church hop until I find a guy that I am attracted too….which I probably wouldn’t admit to many people, but it seems a pragmatic approach to trying to find a partner. Do you think it is ok to church hop if you are a single woman to look out for a potential Christian boyfriend?
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Dear Reader,
Firstly I want to applaud you for your honest question. I know the desire to have someone to do life with is a strong one and it’s great that you’re aware that it’s currently driving your desire to move church. Now let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with changing church if you feel God prompting you to. Sometimes moving church is precisely the right move to help you develop as a person, but don’t do it in pursuit of a guy.
One of the strengths you have is that you are known, rooted and - presumably - supported in your current church home.
One of the strengths you have is that you are known, rooted and - presumably - supported in your current church home. Do you feel the Holy Spirit is nudging you to leave it for other reasons or is it what feels pragmatic currently?
God can put someone in your path no matter where you worship, and there are plenty of Christian events, seminars and festivals where you can worship him and get to meet Christian men along the way. What events can you get involved with locally that don’t require you to leave your church but that could widen your existing Christian circle of friends? Might this also be a time where you can volunteer or serve in a local ministry? Or is it a grace that you’re getting time to get established in a career?
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God doesn’t withhold blessing without purpose.
One thing to watch out for is that in the waiting you don’t miss the opportunity this time affords you. God doesn’t withhold blessing without purpose. I want to encourage you to set about growing in him, revelling in his love and becoming the fullness of who he made you to be NOW. Don’t put any of that on hold waiting for a man, grow with God now. That way, when any guy comes into your path, they’ll have to measure up and be ready to engage with who God put you here to be. You’ll be a better partner to him and you’ll have a far better sense of who you are in the Lord with this time as a single woman.
I don’t know if God intends for you to marry or not. I do know he has purpose for you and that you matter, either way. If he does ultimately have someone for you, bear in mind that this time where you feel like you’re behind or waiting may be so HE is ready to be the team-mate you need for this life. We often think there’s something wrong with us or less-than when that’s simply not true. Yes God always has more for each of us to learn and grow in him, but that’s also true of any partner he may have for you.
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I am well aware you probably don’t want to hear this. I KNOW the church does a dreadful job of helping us be single after our early 20s and I know that the well-meaning questions and comments of fellow church members can be unbearably painful, especially when your own heart craves a companion. BUT, I also know that this time is a gift and that there are adventures you can have as an unmarried woman that you simply can’t have when there is someone else to consider.
Attend different events, join different groups, give yourself fresh opportunities to meet a man who’s not merely ‘Christian’ but is as strong in faith as you are! Also make sure that you’re focused on the growth God wants to do in you with this season, and the adventures he has for you outside of a couple.
Living in a big city, I’m sure there are plenty of events going on and opportunities to worship with different congregations or serve with different ministries. Let this question open up new avenues for you that enrich your life and bless others in your path. I’m rooting for you!
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
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