GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I’ve gone off sex since I turned 50

Dear Woman Alive,

I’m slightly embarrassed to write this but the fact of the matter is, I’ve gone off sex since I turned 50 and it is causing problems in my marriage. I don’t want to go into the details but it’s basically extremely painful and I no longer feel confident that it won’t be – and so I avoid it. Ignoring my husband’s advances is equally painful and I sense his disappointment and rejection. Another worry for me is that I’m not fulfilling my wedding vows. I don’t have a close group of female friends, and this isn’t the kind of thing my family talks about so I don’t know where to begin with addressing this. Help, please!

READ MORE: ‘What Little House on the Prairie taught me about a godly attitude to sex and marriage’

Dear Reader,

Well done for reaching out. I know this stuff can be hard to talk about, not least since there’s plenty of messaging out there in the world that everyone at every age is having lots of intercourse without any issues whatsoever. Menopausal women rampantly working their way through swathes of men with no signs of menopausal drop in sex drive of vaginal atrophy mentioned! It’s enough to make a woman feel like a failure!

Yet our bodies and sex drives DO change as we encounter perimenopause and beyond

Yet our bodies and sex drives DO change as we encounter perimenopause and beyond, and God allowed that, and knows it’s a normal (if undesirable) part of womanhood, and thus also of your marriage.

Now I AM going to flag up that sex isn’t just intercourse. There is a whole sexual menu that God has given us to enjoy our beloved’s body. This phase may be one where you both need to find ways to enjoy each other’s bodies differently and express physical love differently, so that it is pleasurable for BOTH of you. Have you spoken to your husband about the pain intercourse causes you? Have you discussed having sexual contact that doesn’t always focus on intercourse and doesn’t merely build up to intercourse but exists without it?

READ MORE: Did you know sex can be illegal within marriage?

For your own comfort, I would suggest you speak to a GP if you can, one who understands female well-being/menopause as there may be ways they can help you physically. I also want to encourage you to talk to your husband. Explain to him what’s happened to your sex drive and how it really isn’t about how you feel about him. I’m trusting that your husband would hate to think that his actions are causing you pain, so why not see how you can work through these changes as a team, both on an adventure to learn this new iteration of your body and knowing that his body may throw in some challenges of its own such as impotence as life goes along, so finding other ways to express love, comfort, and intimacy physically is a good investment in your sexual life for the long haul.

You’re not trying to deny your husband physical love, you’re trying to avoid extreme pain! 

I know you’re worried about not fulfilling your wedding vows. Here’s the thing: your physical pain is not an investment in your marriage. You’re not trying to deny your husband physical love, you’re trying to avoid extreme pain! Our loving God is not one who expects you to endure pain for another’s sexual gratification and call it good marriage. That’s a lie from the pit of hell. Your pain is a valid reason not to want to endure intercourse at this point. Hopefully your GP can offer their expert help on that.

READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: What is the purpose of sex toys in a relationship and would it be sinful for my husband and I to use them?

I am aware you don’t have female friends you can discuss this with, and you’re not alone there. That can feel really isolating and it can feel like you’re the only one struggling with this, but I promise you, you are not. I want to recommend you read works by Sheila Gregoire. She has interviewed over 20,000 people for her works and distilled them into her books. You may want to start with The Great Sex Rescue but there are others, including books for women or men specifically. She is really good at untangling the unhelpful and unbiblical messages we’ve received from the world and church, and I think her books would be helpful to realise you are not alone and there is hope.

I know this is really difficult for you, and I want to applaud you for reaching out. You are not a failure, you’re dealing with pain, and just as your husband would need to understand and find ways to work with you if you had a broken hip or slipped disc that made intercourse painful, this is a similar thing. Intercourse is for BOTH of you to enjoy and if it’s not pleasant, let alone pleasurable, then you both need to work together to find out what is pleasurable. This can lead to greater intimacy and a greater banquet of ways to pleasure each other than you’ve ever known before, so take heart!

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.