Hardwired for connection

By the time you are reading this, I will be married for the first time at the age of 43. If I’m honest, the preparation, planning and process has felt a little surreal. When I was 23, I thought that finding a life partner would happen in a particular way pretty quickly; at 33, the heartache I had experienced in my romantic relationships made me wonder if I was ever going to be able to trust again; and at 43, I’ve come to realise that life never really pans out the way you plan it – and that’s OK.  

In preparation for marriage, someone recommended a book called Secure Love (Penguin) by Julie Menanno. The author writes: 

“In relationships, what we all want more than anything is to feel lovable for who we are on the inside and worthy for what we do on the outside. Beyond that, we want to use our lovable, worthy selves as a way to connect with the lovable worthy selves of others, particularly our romantic partners. When we feel as if we’re seen by another person as worthy and lovable, we feel safe.”   

I am grateful to God for the people he has brought into my life who didn’t see my season of singleness or relationship status as something to be pitied but saw me as a someone deserving of their love and worthy of their friendship. We are all hardwired for relationship and connection; relationship with God and meaningful connection with others. This is because we are made in the image of God and we reflect a God who is at heart relational. We were created in love and created for love. 

What the book of Ruth teaches us about relationships

One of the most epic love stories is found in the book of Ruth. I have been inspired by Ruth as a model of faith but at times struggled to believe that God could weave a ‘Ruth and Boaz’ reality in my personal life, but that’s not really the point of the story. As I’ve studied Ruth more closely, there are many details in this book that are easy to miss. There are other relationships worth noticing in Ruth’s life before she meets Boaz; namely her relationship with God and her commitment to her mother-in-law Naomi. Ruth reminds us that in the ordinary, mundane and harsh realities of life, God is still working even when nothing appears to be happening. 

Ruth’s story shows us the power of intergenerational female relationships where wisdom can be passed down. Ruth’s courage to move to a place where she would be considered an outsider, risking the threat of violence daily due to her cultural background, is inspiring. Ruth’s tenacity and determination to find work as a vulnerable female widow to provide for her non-conventional family unit is admirable. Despite life’s challenges, she isn’t passive but proactive. Her actions and character do not go unnoticed: it is when she is trying her best in poverty and obscurity to be faithful to God and to Naomi that Boaz notices her. More importantly, though, God has never taken his eye off her. 

At that time, the biological family a person was born into was the ultimate status symbol. Most genealogies in the ancient patriarchal culture only listed fathers and sons because men were considered better than women. But God turns this on its head. Naomi is told that her daughter-in-law Ruth is better to her than seven sons. God remembers two widows. Ruth, a Moabite female outsider, is weaved into the genealogy of Jesus and specifically mentioned by name in God’s family tree (Matthew 1:1-17). When blood was thicker than water, Jesus redefined his family unit beyond the biological and established a new set of kingdom relationships. “Pointing to his disciples, he said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.’” (Matthew 12:49-50).

The story of Ruth is indeed an epic love story. But Ruth ultimately points us to Jesus, who brings hope for all of our relationships because of what he has accomplished for us on the cross, bringing peace and reconciliation between us and God relationally. 

It all stems from Jesus

The relationship to remember first before any other is the one Jesus invites us into with him personally. Jesus moves towards us in unconditional love and unwavering commitment and our experience of that love enables and empowers us to connect with others. My marital status doesn’t make me lovable and worthy; it’s my relationship with God that tells me I’m lovable and worthy. 

At my hen party on a sunny Saturday afternoon in May, I looked around the table with gratitude at the incredible group of women from different backgrounds, cultures and life stages who were cheering me on, showering me with love, sharing wisdom and reminding me of the power of female friendship. Of course, life will inevitably change but, regardless of the season and whatever lies ahead, I know I will always need Jesus…and my sisterhood.