Katherine O’Neill explores why so many of us struggle to say no, especially when we assume that yes is always the “Christian” response. Drawing on the story of Mary and Martha in Gospel of Luke 10, she shows how, at times, choosing no can be the wiser, more loving, and more faithful choice.
Struggle to say ‘no’ to requests? Maybe it’s because you believe that yes is the right answer. If we say no, we’re being bad, surely? Selfish. Unchristian. So we reason. We grit our teeth and do the ‘right thing’. But what if we’re wrong? What if, sometimes, no is the right answer?
Remember Mary and Martha? Mary has refused to help with the housework: she wants to be with Jesus. So Martha appeals to Him to set her sister straight. And Jesus shocks us. He doesn’t say ‘Mary, do the right thing, help your sister’, as we might have expected. But neither does He say ‘She should do what she wants’; the secular perspective that most of us find inadequate. He says ‘Mary has chosen the better part’ (Luke 10:42). She has said No to the housework, because she values the time with Jesus above all – and He backs her.
Instead of assuming that what the other person wants must be right to deliver, we weigh up what is the ‘better part’.
That’s how we can say no. Instead of assuming that what the other person wants must be right to deliver, we weigh up what is the ‘better part’. Most of us are uncomfortable with saying no just because we feel like it, but what we can do is to say no when no is better. True, displeasing someone takes a little courage. That’s okay. Because sometimes, saying Yes really is the wrong thing to do – not only for you, but for the other person also.
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Sometimes, a request is unfair. A good test is: Would I ask this of them if the situation were reversed? If you wouldn’t, it’s unfair. If we say Yes, we reward that unfairness, and teach others to take advantage. That’s bad for them: it’s the wrong way to live. They’ll be resented. Their relationships will suffer. They need to learn to treat others equally and respectfully. Your no can teach them that.
Sometimes, a request comes from fear. They’re looking for an out.
Sometimes, a request comes from fear. They’re looking for an out. They ask us to do things they can and should do for themselves. Perhaps they underestimate themselves. Don’t rescue: it can be marvellous for them to face the task and discover that, actually, they can do it. It builds them up. Your No, though unwelcome, has given them that gift.
And sometimes, people try to pass on valueless tasks. Do you really see value in what you’re being asked to do? Don’t take on things you find worthless: it’s a breach of your integrity. If no-one sees value in it, maybe no-one should do it. Perhaps your no can strengthen the other person to say no too.
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Occasionally, too, someone asks you for something they don’t really need or want, just as a way to connect with you or reassure themselves that they matter to you. Look through the request to the real agenda: address that. If you are reluctant to say yes, there’s probably a good reason. Maybe something is wrong with the request. See if you can find it. Say yes only to requests you can wholeheartedly support. Then you’ll feel happy to help, not oppressed. We’re here to serve, but not to be used. A tree can freely give its fruit, but is damaged if it gives away its branches. We need to be able to tell the difference in our own giving. God does not want you damaged. Sacrifice is an emergency measure, not a way of life. Since He loves you, He doesn’t want you being used.
And once we have said No to a wrong request, better alternatives often emerge. What if Martha, instead of going back to the kitchen to bang the pots and pans, had realised ‘Mary, you’re right. How often do we get to sit and talk with Jesus?’ and left the dishes for later? They would both have had the ‘better part’.
Yes, it’s difficult to do. Look for loving and gentle ways to say it. But say no, and stick to it. And don’t accept any guilt. Just because someone is displeased doesn’t mean you have done wrong. Far from it. Your no isn’t selfish. It’s wise. They don’t like it, but you’re helping them get free.
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