Katherine O’Neill explores the exhausting illusion of perfection in today’s filtered, fast-paced world, her invitation to let go of pressure and pursue love over performance feels especially timely, reminding us that we are most ‘perfect’ when we reflect God’s love, not the world’s ideals.
We live in a world where it almost seems possible to be perfect. On social media, everyone shows off their ‘perfect’ life; their happy families and lovely homes and dreamy holidays. You can be perfect – use filters! In the world of celebrities (sometimes unironically referred to as ‘idols’, though never truly recognised as such), it’s success after success, and each time they look so happy, confident, perfect.
In the world of work, too, perfection seems within our grasp. Our new friend AI can answer any question. Spelling and grammar-checking software are taken for granted: there’s no excuse for errors in your writing. Hacks and tips, suggestions for diet and fitness and peace of mind, it’s all available instantly and easily. Surely you should be perfect by now?
Or is there something profoundly wrong with the goal of ‘perfection’?
Or is there something profoundly wrong with the goal of ‘perfection’? How do you feel, pursuing it? When I’d ask people this in my psychology practice, they most often said ‘exhausted’ or ‘stressed’ and then ‘I feel like I’m never good enough’. Because that’s what idols do. They make you wonder and worry about the gap between your reality and theirs. You feel inferior. Maybe you envy, or maybe you resent them, but you don’t feel joy. You don’t feel anything like peace.
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And when I’d ask women about the times they had actually achieved perfection, some said that despite their efforts, it never happened. Others found that even if achieved, it did not bring any lasting benefit: ‘I get the house perfect – and then the kids come home’. Nor was there much joy, because then it was on to the next thing. You climb one mountain and what do you see? More mountains. You thought you were there, and you find that no, you are only here, and now you have to try harder and do more. It was a mirage.
If you are a perfectionist, whether you feel proud of it or oppressed by it, consider the effects.
If you are a perfectionist, whether you feel proud of it or oppressed by it, consider the effects. Is it costing you too much, compared to its scant benefits? Ask yourself why you’re doing it. Learned from a parent? Demanded by a partner? Maybe you worry that you’re not good enough and are constantly striving to prove the contrary. Or, for some, it feels like a way of gaining an illusion of control in an unpredictable world. Can you see that, in the last analysis, what is driving you is simply fear? I have to be perfect, or else! That’s not the law: it’s just a fear.
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Don’t let these fears rule your life. Take the risk. The truth is, hardly anything needs to be done perfectly. There’s nothing wrong with high standards, selectively used, for those things that really deserve it. The madness is in trying to apply these standards indiscriminately to everything. Perfectionism is like driving everywhere at 100km/h. The wear and tear on the car is huge, and, most often, there is no need for it. Just as you choose your driving speed according to the conditions, choose the standard for any task according to its importance. For most things, ‘good’ is plenty. For some things, ‘good enough’ is the right standard. Spend your time and energy on what really matters. The perfect truly is the enemy of the good.
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And never let your faith be part of this pressure. Consider what it means to be perfect ‘as your Heavenly Father is perfect’ (Matthew 5:48). Jesus did not say ‘Do everything perfectly’. He talks of being, not doing. It’s not about a life of frantic striving, but about reflecting God. Since God is perfect love, perhaps the only perfection asked of us is to love, as fully and greatly as we can.
Think of your own children. Haven’t you sometimes felt that your child is just perfect? That’s not because they do everything perfectly. It’s because of who they are. If we are made in God’s image and beloved by him, perhaps we don’t need to prove we are good enough. Maybe our perfection is in sharing his nature and in loving, and maybe we can recognise perfectionism as a needless distraction from what matters; driven by needless fears: a problem, not a solution.
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