“I was a people pleaser and I thought it made me a better Christian”

“How can you be so nice ALL the time?”

About 10 years ago a dear friend posed this question to me and quite honestly, I was flattered. Well if I’m being painfully honest, ‘smug’ may be a more accurate description of how I felt. But over the last decade, I have slowly come to realise that the very quality I prided myself on, could more accurately be described as toxic people-pleasing.

I feel as though I spent many years of my Christian walk, quite proud of the fact that I didn’t ruffle feathers. I didn’t get into arguments. I made every effort to accommodate the needs of other people rather than honouring my own boundaries and I truly believed that this behaviour modelled Jesus’ servant heart.

Now there are several theories as to why and how people-pleasing behaviours come about.

Now there are several theories as to why and how people-pleasing behaviours come about. But the one thing I’m sure of, is that it has affected me for as long as I can remember. Even as a child, I felt reluctant to do or say anything that could cause upset to another person or would cast me in a bad light. I have always struggled with confrontation and still do to this day, with tense or heated conversations making me want to run for my life (I wish I was exaggerating).

I am now fully convinced that this behaviour does not honour the Lord and can have such a harmful impact on not only our own wellbeing, but also of those we are aiming to ‘please’.

This mindset that I have been holding onto for so long, has not simply been about keeping others ‘happy’, as much as it has been about preserving my own sense of safety and control. If others are happy, then my environment is less unpredictable. This cycle is relentless and exhausting and has contributed to anxiety, burnout, fatigue and a lack of knowing and respecting my authentic self.

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Letting go of a lifetime of learned behaviours is never easy. I sense that I have a long distance to travel on my journey as a ‘recovering people pleaser.’ But I know that God is right there beside me. As I uproot any illusion of being in control, I look to Jesus’ example and see how he loved and served people so well, but never put ‘keeping the peace’ ahead of doing the will of his Father.  And he calls us to do the same.

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In Paul’s letter to the Galatians, he tells us in no uncertain terms that serving Christ is never compatible with seeking the approval of others:“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.” (Galatians 1: 10)

Ouch.

Furthermore, in my effort to keep the peace and avoid confrontation, I may well have been causing more harm to others than good. We are called by God to speak truth, to lovingly point our brothers and sisters towards The Truth, no matter how uncomfortable the situation: “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ…” Ephesians 4: 10

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Whether you agreed with his views or not, the assassination of Charlie Kirk has deepened the desire in many Christians to speak God’s truth, no matter whom it offends. In an era of political correctness, this can be a bold stance to take. Yet, Jesus warned us that his message would bring division, we should not be shocked by this (Matthew 10: 34-36).  One might even argue that if we’re not causing offence as Christians, is it really the gospel of Jesus that we’re sharing at all?

I know I still have much to learn and I pray that the Holy Spirit would empower me each day as I submit to his will and step out in obedience even when it is uncomfortable or painful for me to do so. Not one of us knows when our time is up, but I do know that I don’t want to waste a moment more worrying incessantly about keeping others happy at the expense of serving the Lord.  And I pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ who are also feeling the gentle nudging of the Holy Spirit to stand up for truth and look only for the Father’s approval rather than the approval of man. May we look ahead to day when we will meet him face to face and hear the only words that truly matter; “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Matthew 25:23