Alex Noel reflects on the viral Vogue article by Chanté Joseph that asks, “Is it embarrassing to have a boyfriend now?” In exploring the cultural shift it reveals, Noel considers what this moment might mean for Christian women — and for a Church that often centers life around marriage.
In a recent viral article for British Vogue; writer Chanté Joseph asked the question; Is it embarrassing to have a boyfriend now? The article has provoked a huge response, both positive and negative, and is basically a meme now. As it continues to spark discussion and debate, it’s fair to say that we are standing in the midst of a cultural moment. And I’m wondering if this doesn’t offer us a reality check as Christian women too, along with an important challenge for the Church.
So what is going on? According to Joseph, there’s a shift happening, most noticeably in how heterosexual women present their relationships online. For a long time being in a relationship defined many women’s online identities, but it’s starting to give audiences the ‘ick’. Women used to shout about their ‘boyfriends’ (which includes partners, fiancés, and husbands) on social media, leveraging them for likes or even financial gain. But now they are editing them out, or not showing them at all. And new relationships are subtly referenced rather than hard-launched. Being in a relationship just isn’t cool anymore.
READ MORE: I believe singleness is not a waiting room, but a glimpse of what is to come.
As a result, single women are rejoicing that their status is now something to celebrate. It’s not so much feeling smug, as a huge sense of relief. It validates the fact that we don’t need to have a boyfriend to be ‘okay’. What’s more, it actually feels true this time.
According to research, being in a relationship increases a woman’s status, giving her extra clout socially and in the workplace.
It’s a significant departure. According to research, being in a relationship increases a woman’s status, giving her extra clout socially and in the workplace. This is certainly the felt experience of many single women. In a discussion on Radio 4’s ‘AntiSocial’, historian Amanda Vickery highlighted that for years it was only at the point of marriage that women were considered to have adult status. Though for men, this was never in question. There are still vestiges of this belief in society today. Single adults are often perceived to be less mature and trustworthy than those who are partnered or married, despite having careers, homes and full social lives.
READ MORE: Trusting God’s sovereignty in singleness
But for Christians especially, coupling up and getting married is the whole point isn’t it? The principle of marriage is reflected strongly in our communities. Intentionally or not, whole churches can operate around a ‘marriage pipeline’: singles, couples, marrieds and marrieds-with-kids. Sometimes the longing for a partner, isn’t just about meeting the love of your life, it translates into wanting to belong in a culture that prioritises marriage and children. If you want to fit in, get married. The penalty for falling outside this paradigm feels costly. Singles can feel sidelined from church life and friendship groups, especially as people get married and start having babies. As I’ve explored in other articles, there is often no natural place to belong.
Many singles are finding the dating scene even more depressing.
Many singles are finding the dating scene even more depressing. Relationships can feel doomed before they’ve even begun, and frankly, women would rather not post about them. Joseph cites this as ‘heterofatalism’, a deep sense of disillusionment with heterosexuality. Not the sexual orientation so much as the way relationships between men and women play out. Including the institution of marriage - and the dating culture that surrounds it. As women look to men less for their financial security or a sense of identity, they are ‘de-centreing’ them. But it doesn’t mean there’s an absence of desire, hope or want. While a more equitable distribution of power and opportunity is good news, it inevitably disrupts the rules and roles still held to by a society where women’s lives revolved around men by default. The difference now is that many women have stopped paying lip service to it.
READ MORE: ‘I’m Christian, single and frightened. Don’t judge me’
In the New Testament, Jesus and Paul (both famously single) upheld the principle of marriage, whilst also advocating for it not to take centre stage. Paul advised that it’s “good…to stay unmarried”, while Jesus explained that in heaven we’ll be “like the angels”; no-one will be married. What’s clear is that marriage is no longer the focus. We have a new hope. But tell that to the single woman trying to belong in a church made for marrieds, where marriage is reinforced - practically - as the ideal. And which ironically puts undue pressure on married couples who are trying hard to live up to it as well.
What Joseph’s article uncovers is that building our lives around this ideal doesn’t deliver. And though ‘boyfriends’ can be a great blessing (and nothing to be embarrassed about), defining ourselves by our relationship status ultimately disappoints us. It won’t save us in the end. So singles should absolutely rejoice in their singleness. (And marrieds in their married-ness). But it’s around Jesus that our lives and identity revolve. And hopefully, in practice, our churches too.
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