Too many voices: How social media ‘therapy talk’ is confusing our relationships

The second the algorithm discovered I had a boyfriend, my social media feeds underwent a dramatic transformation. Gone were the recipes, my fellow book nerd and dopamine-inducing dog videos. In their place appeared an endless stream of relationship “experts”. Apparently, the internet had decided I was now in desperate need of guidance, and that there most definitely was something wrong with my newly procured man friend. Every swipe brought another self-appointed guru eager to explain my relationship to me, with titles like:

“Five signs he’s emotionally unavailable.”
“Never settle for a man who does this.”
“Green flags that are actually red flags.”

READ MORE: Friendship, Romance and the “Relationship Recession”

The problem was that very little of this advice agreed with itself. One video would insist that healthy couples should communicate every feeling immediately, while the next warned against oversharing. One claimed compromise was maturity; another suggested it was evidence of weak boundaries. Unwittingly, I found myself consuming enormous quantities of relationship “wisdom” and somehow becoming less secure rather than more.

Relationships are already difficult enough. They involve two imperfect people attempting to navigate life together, seeing if their values align and they want to build something of the kingdom together. Adding a hundred bite-sized voices into the mix eventually just created a cacophony of confusion, and before long, I noticed something troubling. I was beginning to evaluate my actual relationship through the lens of strangers on the internet rather than through the reality of the relationship itself.

A perfectly ordinary disagreement suddenly became a potential warning sign. A personality difference became a compatibility issue. A bad day became evidence of deeper problems. Instead of becoming wiser, I was falling into a hypervigilant state, born from a desire not to be heartbroken (again). Points to the man friend for being endlessly patient with my constant demands 

READ MORE: Christian women shouldn’t look to worldly influencers for marital wisdom

Part of the problem is that all these couples, podcasters and just average joes on social media seem so certain.

Part of the problem is that all these couples, podcasters and just average joes on social media seem so certain. They frame things in such final terms, like “here is one secret that applies to everyone,” or “The one thing that saved our relationship.” They present their individual relationship dynamic as a master key to all couples. Yet all couples are different and nuance doesn’t perform particularly well in a sixty-second video. It’s catchy content, but the sheer volume of opinions means they can create more confusion than clarity.

The rise of “therapy talk” has only accelerated this problem. Suddenly everyone online seems fluent in psychological terminology. We analyse attachment styles, identify trauma responses, discuss emotional labour and diagnose toxic behaviour with impressive confidence. Some of these concepts are genuinely helpful. Therapy has helped countless people understand themselves and heal from painful experiences, myself included. But that doesn’t mean that every disagreement is a trauma response. Not every flaw is a red flag. Not every difficult season means the relationship is unhealthy. 

Eventually, and rather later than I would like to admit, I realised that these people of the internet who were influencing my thinking and subsequently affecting my relationship had no meaningful investment in my life whatsoever. They didn’t know me or my boyfriend. They weren’t carrying responsibility for the consequences of their advice. What worked for them wasn’t necessarily right for us. Yet somehow they had been granted a seat at the table of one of the most important relationships in my life.

READ MORE: How I was treated by my church during a break-up was more heart-breaking than losing the relationship

That realisation prompted a question: why was I trusting random content creators more than the people who actually knew me? The Bible repeatedly warns us about the influence of competing voices. Not because advice is bad, but because not all advice is wise. The book of Proverbs speaks highly of seeking counsel, but it assumes something important: that counsel comes from people of character, wisdom and proven faithfulness.

The internet offers information, and wisdom is something very different.

The internet offers information, and wisdom is something very different. What finally untangled the confusion for me was returning to simpler questions. What does Scripture say about love? About commitment? About patience, kindness, forgiveness and humility? What does prayer reveal when the noise is turned down?

Those questions produced far more clarity than another evening spent doom scrolling relationship content. As I prayed for my boyfriend and our relationship, I started to see him as he really was. Aside from an unwavering love of dinosaurs, so far he is proving quite wonderful. As I came back to Jesus as the centre, trusting Him first to work it all out, it relieved pressure that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Faith-shaped decision-making isn’t a “quick fix” solution offered by social media advice. It rarely arrives in the form of a viral revelation, or a digital cheat sheet. More often it emerges through prayer, Scripture, wise counsel and the steady work of the Holy Spirit.

Relationships don’t need more influencers. They need more wisdom. And sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for your relationship is politely escort a hundred strangers out of it.