Navigating a chronic disability, mum and writer Danielle Finch opens up about the tension between contentment and the deep, persistent longing for healing that can feel impossible to ignore.
I have talked a lot previously about healing, or lack thereof, with regards to my disability. I have a condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome which causes me to struggle with chronic pain and fatigue on a daily basis. I use a wheelchair a lot of the time and now have a stoma as my digestive system has decided to stop functioning.
Despite the struggles, I have ultimately come to the conclusion that I feel most at peace when I accept God’s sovereignty, knowing He can heal me and may well do so in the future. But also recognising that I can still live in His goodness and purpose for my life here and now as a Christian with a disability.
It comes when I no longer feel at peace and desperately want ‘more’ from my body
But I have to be completely honest, there are some days when the desire to be healed feels all-consuming. It no longer sits alongside me as a quiet reassurance of what is to come, but rather, features front and centre stage. It comes when I no longer feel at peace and desperately want ‘more’ from my body, usually ignited by a desire to do something that seems impossible in the moment. Days like these used to shake me. I felt unsettled and unsure of myself. But as I lean into God, I feel like these moments, when I’m desperately longing for healing are actually aligning my spirit with what is to come, be that on Earth or in heaven.
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The truth is, even through hardship, our lives can become ‘comfortable’. Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not at all suggesting that our suffering isn’t painful. I know full well that it is. But it does become our new normal. We trust that God is with us through our trials and our heartache and we learn (or try to) to be content in all situations because as Paul reminds us in Philippians 4:13; “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
And this is good. I have known it to be true in my own life. But sometimes, I feel as though God allows us these moments where we desire ‘more’ in order to renew our hope in Him and His promises.
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Over a decade ago, I used to love walking. I walked for hours at a time with our spotty little dog, ‘Noodles’, and climbed Mount Snowdon several times. If you haven’t done it, and are physically able, I highly recommend it. The views are breath-taking. I always longed to climb Ben Nevis (Scotland’s highest peak). The wild, natural beauty of Scotland always appealed to me. However, as my health has deteriorated, this dream seems to have only slipped further through my fingers.
It was this dream of Ben Nevis that reignited in me this past week. I had been out on a lovely walk with my children in my wheelchair and I’m truly so grateful to the Lord for His provision of the equipment I need. I let my son lead the way and it honestly felt so adventurous as I didn’t quite know where we’d end up. But the paths got narrower and my wheelchair struggled to cope. I was attempting to stay on the path without tipping over the edge and ensure that the children were safe on their scooters and the dog was following behind. I ended up with a trapped nerve in my neck and calling my husband to come and ‘rescue’ us. And honestly in the moment, it all become overwhelming. It felt too hard. Too much to deal with. As grateful as I am for the life that I am able to live with a disability, something in me desired ‘more’; more freedom, more adventure, more strength, more energy, more health.
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I once would have chastised myself for not being content in my situation. Or else would have questioned whether I should be praying more diligently for healing. But actually, with God, we have the capacity to navigate both desires at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive. Those moments where we desperately long for more are able to realign our hearts with our eternal hope.
Whatever you are facing, take heart knowing that the Lord is walking with you in the midst of your troubles and is renewing your spirit as you look towards eternity with anticipation and hope. I do not know whether I will see the summit of Ben Nevis in this lifetime but I fully trust that the view in heaven will be even more spectacular.
“That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18
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