Stephanie Baxter shares her journey of surviving abuse as a child and the devastating discovery that her now ex-husband had also abused their daughter. She now supports others affected by abuse, offering hope, faith, and the reminder that healing is possible with God.
Child sexual abuse and incest damage a child long after physical recovery. Its’ insidious evil takes all trust, innocence, security, peace and potentially, their future. It skews their belief system, in both God and people; reduces confidence to anxiety and becomes the lens to which the child sees all decisions, ideas and future.
As an abuse survivor myself, I understood all this from bitter experience, and when my five-year-old daughter disclosed sexual abuse from her father, (‘William’)*, I knew exactly what he’d taken.
I was much older, (11-15), although no less confused or frightened, when a close family friend betrayed me. We were advised that attaining a conviction was low, so it wasn’t reported. In contrast, ‘William’ was prosecuted and incarcerated for five years from 1995, the same year we divorced.
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All joy of motherhood was taken as I watched the colours of my child’s innocence turn to a monochrome grey.
All joy of motherhood was taken as I watched the colours of my child’s innocence turn to a monochrome grey. The bright, sunny, happy and clever little girl became a maelstrom of emotion, rage and confusion. She placed all blame at my feet, and no amount of empathy, love or patience broke into her pain filled life or brought her peace. The battle for her future began in earnest, as I navigated her poor behaviour, victim mentality and the need to always get her own way. It was exhausting and I was terrified I couldn’t cope.
I survived for one reason, God. In His grace, He had given me a prophetic word via the Holy Spirit, three years before ‘William’s’ arrest and I share it below.
Stephanie, trust in Me (God), abide in Me and I will abide in you. You will go through two storms. The first storm will come and just when you think you cannot cope with anything else, the second storm will hit. It will be much worse than the first. Trust in Me, abide in Me (God) and I, will give you back tenfold what the locusts have taken.
After the disclosure, this promise became my daily prayer, often spoken through bitter tears and gritted teeth as each day became a battle for my faith, family and future. After many years, I came to believe that healing for me was not possible this side of heaven. But God broke into that lie and began to bring His peace in a way I never thought possible.
READ MORE: ‘I re-discovered hope in God after domestic abuse and now I want to help other women to do the same’
Prior to God’s healing event, I read three little words, ‘beauty for ashes’, (Isaiah, 61:3b), that broke into the isolation and grief I was holding. It is God’s offers to exchange His beauty for our pain, but I couldn’t, as it felt like I was betraying my daughter. As a grown woman, she was and is, amazing, intelligent, funny and wise. But underneath it all, I still saw the scared, confused little girl looking for reassurance and peace and it seemed plain wrong to accept God’s healing whilst she was still hurting. It was a lie, wrapped up in pride and love, but still a lie, one which I wrestled with for many years.
Freedom from the heartache, guilt, lies and secrets came through a process of (self) examination, acceptance, and repentance leading to forgiveness, both for ‘William’ and for myself. By God’s grace, as I made a fresh decision to trust God more, Bible notes, sermons, Christian literature and secular outlets, all came alive! Finally, God was speaking, challenging every lie, fear and misunderstanding. He challenged my poor attitudes, helped me put my thoughts into a question and then answered it quickly.
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Here, at last, in my grief and pain, God challenged me about what I truly believed, thought and felt, disentangling what was God’s truth and what was lies.
Here, at last, in my grief and pain, God challenged me about what I truly believed, thought and felt, disentangling what was God’s truth and what was lies. There was a big dose of repentance needed too, and the acceptance that many of my thoughts, based on righteous anger, were plain wrong. Within my grief-stricken rage, I had sought God’s justice, pleading that ‘William’ would not be granted access to heaven, even if he repented. However, God used these thoughts to bring clarity on the darkness within my own heart and showed me that ‘William’ was His child too, and that I didn’t have a veto on who entered Heaven. God still loved him and wanted him restored to the Kingdom.
These lessons were difficult, tear laden and held in secret. I also came to realise that I had more forgiveness to give ‘William’. Although I had forgiven him for the initial harm against my daughter, I now needed to forgive him for all that was taken and the impact it had on the family. It was a hard decision to make. But God is the Judge, and I was being asked to trust in His divine sovereignty.
The final piece of work to healing required me to forgive myself, which always felt like a betrayal to my child. But after all that God had shown me, I trusted and obeyed, giving up my pain, guilt and shame on what would have been, mine and ‘William’s’ 35th wedding anniversary. ‘William’ is a prodigal and this was God’s way of reminding me that no matter what harm we do against another person, forgiveness can be granted. My daughter has been able, by the grace of God, to put the abuse behind her. She now focuses her energies on living her life to the full. I survived incest in my family because God sees, God speaks and God heals.
Read Stephanie’s full testimony in her book, The Locusts’ Coup: A Mother’s Spiritual Journey to Peace from Incest here.
*Name changed
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
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