GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I have fallen out of love with my husband, when is it ok to get a divorce?

Dear Woman Alive

My husband and I have been married for fourteen years, we have two children who are 12 and 10. I love them, but my husband is not the man I married. He has become obsessed with work, so I hardly see him, and when he is home, everything about him annoys me. Even the way he eats his food. I have started to cringe when I see him telling stories to our friends, as I can see he is boring them. He is a good dad, and when we started dating, we had such chemistry and excitement together, but now the thought of living the rest of my life with him leaves me depressed. We are both Christians, and I know divorce is not a good thing, but when is it ok for me to leave?

Dear Reader,

I am so sorry you are having a tough time, but I want to encourage you to fight for your marriage and your relationship with your husband.

First let’s be practical. Over 60 percent of divorces are initiated by women in their 40s, 50s or 60s — the menopause years — according to a survey conducted by AARP Magazine. I don’t know how old you are, but if you are in perimenapuse, your fluctuating hormones could hugely affect how you see your husband. Menopause ‘rage’ is a real thing, and can be defined as an intense surge of anger or frustration brought on by the hormonal fluctuations associated with this stage of life.

This is something to bare in mind, and if you need to, go to your GP for advice.

In the UK the statistics of marriages that end in divorce is around 42%. Nearly half. When we see people choosing divorce so easily, we can think it would be best for us too – the idea that the grass is greener on the other side.

However, the marriage contract is not just a piece of paper, something that you can rip up when you don’t feel like it any more. Marriage is a spiritual covenant under God, and one that the Bible shows is very important.

Marriage is a spiritual covenant under God, and one that the Bible shows is very important.

Jesus said to the Pharisees in Matthew 19:4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

I know in the culture we are living in divorce has been normalised. Last week we saw the sad news that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are divorcing, after only two years of marriage. This was her fourth marriage, and his second. Jennifer even made a film sharing their love story, The Greatest Love Story Never Told, but apparently they have both fallen out of love.

People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ for ever.

C S Lewis wrote about the issue of ‘falling out of love’ in his book, ’Mere Christianity’. He said:

‘People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ for ever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this means they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change – not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one.’

In the Bible when asked by the Pharisees about Moses giving a certificate of divorce, Jesus said: “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:8).

So sexually immorality is reason for divorce, but I don’t think ‘falling out of love’ is. And I know that might be hard to hear for you right now.

Marriage is a powerful thing, and we know we have an enemy who wants to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). I believe he is working right now on hardening your heart toward your husband.

I recently met an older retired couple, married for nearly 50 years, and they were very candid with me. The husband said they were having trouble in their marriage years earlier and everything about his wife frustrated him. Then he said God told him to focus on what was good about his wife and their relationship.

Philippians 4:8 says: ‘Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.’

This man did that, and he started being grateful as he noticed the good, instead of the frustrations.Their marriage began to blossom again.

So my recommendation for you is to go to God and ask him to soften your heart towards your husband. Talk to him about why he is spending so much time at work. Find time to have fun together. Get some women in church to pray with you and for you. Get marriage counselling to air any of your grievances in a safe space.

You once saw the man you married as a good gift, and I believe you can again. Don’t give up. 

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org,uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.