Ten years of marriage, four children and plenty of difficult seasons have taught Tola Mbakwe that “for better or for worse” means something very different when you’ve actually lived it. She shares why she and her husband chose to stand before God and their loved ones and say, once again, “I still choose you.”
This year marked ten years of marriage for my husband and me. Ten years ago, my then-fiancé flew from England to a small town in the US state of Virginia, with family and friends, to pledge his love to me forever. I was 24 and he was 27. Looking back at our wedding photos now, we look so young. Sometimes I can hardly believe we were old enough to be allowed to get married! And yet, ten years later, I am so grateful we did.
At a time when marriage seems to get a lot of bad press, with some influencers warning people against marrying young, and with around 42 per cent of marriages in England and Wales expected to end in divorce, I am so glad my husband and I chose to publicly reaffirm our commitment to one another.
READ MORE: Ten things I wish I’d known in my first year of marriage
Interestingly, the idea of a vow renewal was actually my husband’s.
Interestingly, the idea of a vow renewal was actually my husband’s. He has been suggesting it since we were about two years into our marriage. I was reluctant for most of that time. I’m not someone who particularly enjoys attention, and the thought of planning another wedding wasn’t exactly appealing. Our first wedding celebrations, which included a Nigerian traditional wedding in London and a church wedding in the US, were incredibly stressful and put a lot of pressure on our relationship.
But really, how could I discourage such a sweet suggestion and gesture from my husband? There was nothing wrong with the idea. In fact, there was something deeply beautiful about wanting to stand in front of God, our family and friends and say, “I still choose you.”
READ MORE: Waiting for marriage
My other hesitation was that a vow renewal could give the impression that our marriage was perfect.
My other hesitation was that a vow renewal could give the impression that our marriage was perfect. Having four children in six years can put a huge strain on a marriage. We’ve walked through difficult seasons, had to learn how to communicate better, forgive each other, and extend grace. But eventually, I realised that those difficult seasons were exactly why I wanted to renew our vows.
I wanted to publicly thank God for every difficult season that has refined us. I also wanted to remind myself that, despite everything we’ve been through, we will continue to choose one another, over and over again, because we made a covenant before God. Our journey has included a long-distance relationship before we got married, me moving from America to the UK, four children, and testimonies that are too many to count. And perhaps that’s why the words “for better or for worse” meant something different this time around.
When you’re 24 and 27, standing at the altar, you have an idea of what those words mean. But ten years of life together gives you a much deeper understanding of them. You begin to understand that “for worse” isn’t just a line in a wedding ceremony. It’s choosing each other when you’re exhausted. It’s extending forgiveness. It’s navigating financial pressures, parenting, disappointment and change. It’s learning that love isn’t simply a feeling but a decision you make.
READ MORE: ‘God saved our marriage’: Marianne Awaraji on worship, war and finding hope in the Middle East
So why not celebrate that? Why not celebrate what God has brought us through? Why not publicly show what it looks like to rededicate your marriage to Him? And why not take the opportunity to remind your spouse just how much they mean to you? I knew the renewal would mean a lot to us, but I didn’t realise how much it would mean to other people.
I was initially worried that it might look like we were showing off. Instead, I was surprised by how many people came up to us afterwards, not only to congratulate us, but to tell us that seeing our renewal had inspired them to consider doing one themselves. That was probably one of the most unexpected and beautiful parts of the whole experience.
We’re only ten years in, so technically we’re still children compared with couples who have been married for 30, 40 or 50 years. We have so much more life to experience and so much more to learn.
If these ten years have taught me anything, it’s that none of us are guaranteed another year, another month or even another day. So while we have the chance, I want to give God praise for what He has done, what He is doing and what I trust He will continue to do.
No comments yet