Writer Samantha Bailie-McMurdock lookS back with honesty at a life shaped by anxiety, faith, and the quiet tug-of-war between fear and trust. She discovers that the very moments she once feared most were often the clearest demonstrations that God was firmly in control all along.
Approaching half a century old in a few months’ time has prompted me to reflect on my life: the anxieties, trials and time wasted fretting over impossible situations that worked out beautifully. Many say that “Fear not” appears 365 times in the Bible (depending on translation) but irrespective of the number, even if God said it once, that should be enough for us - yet, browsing though old journals it’s evident that I’ve spent my whole life in a perpetual state of apprehension.
I realise its easier said than done, saying, “Don’t worry”, the facts are, many of us live in the ‘what if’ mindset and and it’s not that easy; yet casting my mind back over this last 50 years I realise that some of my most insurmountable problems were the very times God illustrated beyond any doubt that He was in control and I needed to learn to trust Him.
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There were, what I can only describe as miracles.
There were, what I can only describe as miracles. I remember praying all summer that there would be a way I could get onto a degree course; this seemed impossible as I live rurally, could not move away to study due to demanding caring roles and to top it all, I had no real means of financing this dream.
I found a local college just 15 miles away that partnered with a Russell Group university offering the very degree I was desperate to undertake and it was available over five years with evening classes twice a week. I could barely believe it, it was like this was tailored to my very distinct needs - yet still, my heart sunk because I knew I couldn’t afford it.
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Still, something within me forced me to apply, and when late August came I enrolled for my first semester. I asked if I could pay later in the semester and they said yes. I just felt God would make a way and I’d have the fees, but after a couple of months attending lectures I was anxious and really doubting the Lord had this plan for me after all. One evening I was asked to leave for non-payment. I’ll never forget walking down the steps of that lecture theatre and quietly leaving as all eyes fixed on me, including the economics lecturer who observed me over gold, half moon glasses.
Outside the room the course co-ordinator wished me well and as I stood pushing the notes into my bag I’d had to grab in my hurry to evacuate she said, “I want you to walk back in there.”
“What for?” I asked.
“To take your seat… because I have a feeling things are going to work out for you.”
“I don’t understand,” I replied.
“You don’t need to,” she began, “You just need to trust….Now go on….. go.” She ushered me toward the door and I hesitantly walked back in, looking back, my brow furrowed in confusion.
Just days later I received a receipt in the mail stating the semester was paid in full. It made no sense…. I thought it was a joke so called the college who confirmed my university registration and tuition fees were up to date. “How?” I enquired.
“We only know what the computer tells us - and your fees are paid.”
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Yet despite the Lord showing me such a miracle, I began worrying incessantly about how I’d cover next semester’s fees.
This seemed crazy… like I was in a dream. Yet despite the Lord showing me such a miracle, I began worrying incessantly about how I’d cover next semester’s fees. On the day they were due I visited the office, explaining I had no means of meeting this cost so this would be the end of the line for me. “What’s your name?” A brunette lady asked as she tapped the keys with extra long finger nails. “Samantha Bailie,” I replied.
A couple of seconds later she called her colleague to look at the screen. The two of them then looked at me and back at the screen before the brunette replied, “Your full honours degree is paid.”
“No, I don’t think you’ve got the right person…. I’m here because I can’t afford to pay.” They both looked at me like I was eccentric. “Samantha, your whole course is paid in full, in advance.” I sat, mouth open, dazed. “If you’re sure you haven’t paid, we’ll need to phone the Head of Business School’s secretary…. Maybe its a computer glitch the lady stated looking over at her colleague. “Let me make a call.”
For the next few minutes I was hearing words like, “Ok”, “mmmm”, “that seems odd” and finally she placed the receiver down and said, “Samantha, we have no idea about this but suffice to say, it’s been confirmed that your full course is paid. There’s no doubt about it, it’s been confirmed by the head. Over the next five years I received an invoice every 13 weeks that that I had £0.00 owing, and despite much digging I never discovered who paid this massive bill.
On graduation day I stood looking around wondering how this miracle happened and to this day I’ve never unearthed the details. All I know, looking back is, this was just one of many situations where I was overwhelmed with fear and doubt yet Jesus always revealed Himself most clearly in the most “impossible” times.
How foolish would I be if I didn’t approach the next 50 years of my life fully trusting? My advice for any young Christian living with anxiety, fear or depression - please know that while life is not easy you are more than a conqueror because He is undertaking for you - maybe even more so during the hardest times; so lean into Him, shelter and know you are always going to be okay.
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