Writer Samantha Bailie-McMurdock shares how, amid the turmoil of severe perimenopausal symptoms and spiritual fear, the Westminster Confession of Faith restored her peace and strengthened her trust in God.
Four months ago I felt peculiar. I’d been battling horrendous perimenopausal symptoms for almost three years, which brought with it debilitating depression, heightened OCD and brain fog; one evening seeking solace in the Word, I felt my foundation rip from under me as I read Hebrews 6:4-6: “For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost. And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come. If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame.”
I battled to breathe, terror of a magnitude I’d never encountered enveloped me, “I have ‘lost’ my salvation …. And even worse, I can’t get it back.”
Terrified, hands fumbling, I sent a text to a minister friend who assured me the verses were not about those who ‘backslide’ - but Jews who were exposed to God’s blessings yet rejected the Messiah in favour of the Mosaic Law.
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When I wasn’t researching, I was contacting pastors and Christian counsellors.
Despite the explanation, I was frenetic with fear. I could find no rest and began Googling - a compulsion that swiftly escalated to 16-hour days in pursuance of reassurance. When I wasn’t researching, I was contacting pastors and Christian counsellors. I was forfeiting sleep and my health was degenerating. I resigned from my position as a writer and broke down to family, finally admitting to an out-of-hours GP that I was terrified I had lost my mind.
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Because of brain fog, I no longer trusted my own memory or logic and the more I probed, the more befuddled I became. At one stage I was so engrossed in Greek translations of Hebrews 6 (despite no knowledge of the language) that I felt I’d lost any semblance of reason. I could no longer keep up in conversations with my family as my mind would not stop analysing this passage of Scripture - my every waking second was consumed with it from the moment I awoke. I was at breaking point until one evening I stumbled upon a statement on a website that, for the first time in months felt like balm to my mind: “They whom God hath accepted in his Beloved, effectually called and sanctified by his Spirit, can neither totally nor finally fall away from the state of grace; but shall certainly persevere therein to the end, and be eternally saved.” (WCF ,Ch.17.1)
I contacted my minister friend and asked,“Can I trust this?”
He laughed and declared, “Yes, it’s from the Westminster Confession of Faith, we sign it when we become ministers.”
Having prayed to the Holy Spirit to lead me in truth for months, I finally felt I could sense solid ground. I needed to know more about this Westminster Confession of Faith (WCF) and the more I read, the more statements answered my most pressing question - Can a Christian lose their salvation? I ordered myself a copy of the book and swiftly devoured it; because each chapter has Bible verses to corroborate, I could ensure everything tied in biblically.
When I read 10.2 of the WCF, “This effectual call is of God’s free and special grace alone, not from anything at all foreseen in man…” I finally felt free.
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At the most difficult time in my life - my faith had been shook to the core, my health was failing (abnormal thyroid gland), my hormones imbalanced (HRT stopped working) and I doubted my own interpretation and logic, the WCF led me back onto solid ground and gave me an even deeper love of Jesus.
At the most difficult time in my life - my faith had been shook to the core, my health was failing (abnormal thyroid gland), my hormones imbalanced (HRT stopped working) and I doubted my own interpretation and logic, the WCF led me back onto solid ground and gave me an even deeper love of Jesus. God gave me Salvation, not because he saw anything in me - it was all of him. The ‘problem’ was never in my hands, he was never looking at my sin but his perfect Son. Of course salvation can never be lost - because it was a gift. I didn’t earn it, I was given it and his gifts and callings are irrevocable (Rom 11:29). How had I missed such a simple explanation and spent, dare I say it 1500 hours in this loop of research?
At a time when I could not trust my own logic, I am so grateful I found this comprehensive summary of Reformed theology drawn up in the early 17th Century, written by some of the greatest biblical theologians. They took the Holy Bible as the authoritative word of God and made it digestible under a handful of short biblical statements. Had I not happened upon the WCF I wonder what would have become of me. I’ll never stop thanking the Lord for leading me, in my most vulnerable season spiritually, mentally, physically and cognitively to this great doctrinal standard; it gave me clarity and security on salvation, enriched my Bible reading and strengthened me in my walk with Christ.
This article is dedicated to Rev. Thomas Martin of Free Presbyterian, Comber. Thank you for your patience and walking tirelessly through this battle with me.READ MORE
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