GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: Why is my boyfriend always playing video games?

Dear Woman Alive,

I am dating a great guy, he is a Christian like me, and we have a lot of fun together. We are both in our early thirties, and thinking about marriage, however the one thing that puts me off is how much time he spends playing video games. He often stays up late playing, and sometimes I feel like the games are his ‘other woman’. Because I am not into video games, I don’t really get the obsession, and I find it hard to respect. He says it relaxes him, and its ‘his time’ which is really important. I get that men need ‘cave time’ but I can just envisage us marrying, and me being stuck with a man obsessed with gaming. I know the Bible doesn’t talk about video games, but do you have any advice?

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Dear Reader,

Thank you for your honest and thoughtful question. I’m sure many readers will resonate with your question – even if they’d substitute gaming for reading, running, or something else entirely. It’s wonderful to hear you’ve found someone who shares your faith, values, and sense of fun. That being said in the back of your mind you could be thinking: what if this one thing becomes a much bigger issue down the line?

All couples come up against things they don’t fully understand or enjoy about each other. The real issue isn’t always the hobby itself, but how it affects the relationship. In your case, it sounds like gaming isn’t just a passing interest – it’s something already having an emotional impact. I hear you’re feeling second place.

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When does an interest become a problem – or even an addiction? The answer may lie in its impact. A healthy relationship allows room for personal space, downtime, and hobbies – in fact, it thrives on it. But when one person’s activity starts to take away from connection, communication, or shared time, it’s time to talk. Not to accuse, but to understand.

Everyone needs ways to unwind. But is there balance? 

Everyone needs ways to unwind. But is there balance? Are your needs – for conversation, quality time, or simply being present – being met too? One of the cornerstones of any good relationship is mutual consideration. “Honour one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10). That means listening to what matters to each other and being willing to compromise. Marriage isn’t about finding a flawless person (spoiler alert: they don’t exist!). It’s about figuring out which quirks you can live with – and which would quietly chip away at your peace. Some people live happily with partners who are messy or always late – others find that intolerable. This issue might fall into that category. Can you live with a person who games late into the night most days? Would it leave you feeling lonely and frustrated? Or could you reach a compromise – like agreeing on a few nights a week?

That’s why pre-marriage conversations are so vital. It’s worth talking – kindly and clearly – about your hopes and expectations for time together, finances, friendships, children, rest, even screen time. Many churches offer excellent pre-marriage courses that guide you through these topics in a safe and supportive way. And sometimes, a few sessions with a counsellor or organisation like Relate can help couples express and hear each other’s needs more clearly.

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There’s also a big difference between a hobby and an addiction. If something is affecting sleep, relationships, or day-to-day responsibilities, it may be time to explore whether that interest is taking up more space than it should. It’s also worth asking: is this just how things are right now, or is it a pattern that’s likely to continue? Life changes – jobs, parenting, illness, or spiritual growth can all shift our priorities. But core habits, whether helpful or harmful, tend to remain unless they’re intentionally addressed or redirected.

It’s also true that many video games today are not just about entertainment – they’re about community, connection, and even friendship.

It’s also true that many video games today are not just about entertainment – they’re about community, connection, and even friendship. If that’s the draw, could there be a way to connect outside the screen too? Something that helps him feel seen and valued in his interests, while bringing you closer together? Instead of asking him to stop gaming altogether, could you explore some healthy boundaries together? Maybe agree on a few dedicated evenings for one another – and a few guilt-free “cave time” slots too. That kind of rhythm could help you both feel seen and valued. “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:2–3). 

Finally, how we navigate disagreements now gives us clues about the future. Can you talk through tricky topics? Listen well? Compromise, pray, and grow together? If so, you’re building the kind of foundation that marriage can flourish on.

Praying for love and wisdom as you work it through together,

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.