In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ the Woman Alive panel answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us a confidential email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, we tackle; what to do if you’re worried your husband thinks you’re bad in bed.
Dear Reader,
Thank you for writing in, and I am sorry you have had this worry hanging over you. I am sure this fear is not helping your sex life in any way.
My first suggestion is to actually talk to your husband about how you feel. Sex is about intimacy, and that starts way before the actual act of penetration. For you and your husband to grow together, you need to be honest with each other, and share your deepest vulnerabilities. This may seem terrifying, but the fact is it is actually a powerful thing to do, and enables the other person to also be vulnerable.
Sex is about intimacy, and that starts way before the actual act of penetration.
I don’t know if you are newly married or have been married for years. I don’t know if you husband has had many sexual partners before you, and therefore you are feeling insecure in comparison to others. But either way, being good in bed starts with communication - knowing each others needs, putting one another first, asking what feels good and what doesn’t. We cannot assume we know what is best, and we cannot assume we know what the other is thinking.
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Are there reasons why you don’t think you are good in bed? Do you perhaps find sex difficult because of pain or past trauma? This can cause physical symptoms, for example, there is a well-known issue called Vaginismus where the vaginal muscles tighten up on their own making penetration difficult. This can easily be worked through with psychosexual therapy and relaxation techniques, and is not your fault.
Being good in bed starts with communication - knowing each others needs, putting one another first, asking what feels good and what doesn’t.
I am confident your husband loves you, and if he hears you are worried of his opinion of you in bed, he will put your mind at rest. If he is doing things that make you feel insecure, tell him, and let him know how it makes you feel. Sex within marriage is not a static thing, and we can grow in our understanding of it and of our partner. Don’t give up, you are a learner, and you have a lifetime to learn! Bless you and your husband as you are vulnerable with each other, and learn more together.
For further reading I can recommend Sheila Gregoire’s The Great Sex Rescue.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel.
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