In our fortnightly column “Great Sexpectations” the Woman Alive panel answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us a confidential email on firstname.lastname@example.org and ask us anything. Here, we tackle; what to do if you just don’t want to have sex with your husband.
First of all let’s look at why you don’t want to have sex with your husband. There could be a few reasons. Perhaps you are reaching menopause and experiencing a natural loss of libido. If this is the case, go and see your GP and there is help out there eg: testosterone gel and vaginal pessaries for dryness.
Perhaps you have recently given birth, or have small children, and are so physically exhausted, that the idea of sex, or someone else needing something from you, makes you want to run and hide in a dark cupboard in the foetal position? Or you may be on medication, anti-depressants for example, that lower your natural libido.
You may not want to have sex with your husband because he is being abusive at one extreme, or at the other, you have simply lost some of the connection and closeness you once had. None of these reasons make you a bad wife, but they all need to be dealt with differently.
As I have said, the first issue can be helped by a visit to the GP. It may be that your husband’s libido has also taken a dive with age, but if it hasn’t and he wants it more than you, it is something that needs to be discussed. That ability to talk about how you both feel will lead to more of a connection, which then helps in the desire to be intimate with your husband.
That ability to talk about how you both feel will lead to more of a connection, which then helps in the desire to be intimate with your husband.
Looking at the reason why you don’t want to have sex can bring healing in other areas of your life. Perhaps there is past pain or trauma that needs to be dealt with? There are relationship counsellors available, and also sex therapists who can support. A first port of call might be Relate. If you are in an abusive relationship there is help out there, and the government has guidance on how to get help.
Sex is not a “right” for a husband to take from you, but it is a really good gift, and something that helps grow intimacy and connection within marriage. You are not a bad wife for how you feel, and you may find that looking at this issue a little deeper, will help both you and your husband love, honour and serve each other, and have many years of great sex in the future!
If at any point you do not feel safe in your own home or need support with your marriage please seek help from someone you trust or contact Premier Lifeline for support.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel.