Becky Hunter Kelm considers whether differences in fashion and appearance, or ‘swag gaps,’ influence Christian relationships and how love transcends style.
I remember so many memes going around the internet in 2023 of Hailey and Justin Bieber. You know the one, Hailey was all dressed up, looking immaculate in a little red dress, heels, and a handbag, while Justin obviously favoured comfort over style in a grey tracksuit, cap, and Crocs. (No judgment from me; I love my Crocs and sweats just as much as I enjoy dressing up!). This contrast in appearance between couples is known as the ‘swag gap’.
Trending on TikTok and Insta alike, a #swaggap is defined by social media video content creator Ifesinachi Mamah as ‘two people in a relationship don’t see eye-to-eye in terms of aesthetics, clothing, and maybe lifestyle’. One partner is more into fashion and always makes an effort to present well, while the other doesn’t care about how they look.’
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Why do we notice when the two members of a couple look different from one another, or if there’s a stark difference between their style? Do we subconsciously expect couples to sort of ‘match’ each other in terms of appearance? (the phrase ‘punching’ comes to mind!) Does it matter if one partner doesn’t make any effort in their appearance while the other does?
If you truly love your partner, it surely shouldn’t matter because it’s what’s on the inside that truly counts, right?
If you truly love your partner, it surely shouldn’t matter because it’s what’s on the inside that truly counts, right?
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But for those in the public eye, the pressure of keeping up appearances and being top of your fashion game is huge; you could argue it’s only natural that the more style-conscious half of the couple could feel embarrassed or self-conscious if their partner didn’t hold the same standards of ‘swag’ in front of the paps and social media.
So what about ‘swag gaps’ in Christian marriages and relationships?
When I fell in love with my husband, I didn’t stop to consider his wardrobe when I was praying about whether I could spend my life with him.
When I fell in love with my husband, I didn’t stop to consider his wardrobe when I was praying about whether I could spend my life with him. But I have to admit there were a few items in his wardrobe that I jokingly told him had to go (Patchwork jeans? Nope.) And I do enjoy shopping for clothes for my husband, but I only choose pieces that I know he would like and feel comfortable in. It would be unloving to try to change his style or be aggressive about telling him what to wear.
We don’t have a ‘swag gap,’ but I think that’s because, as believers, we focus on different things surrounding our compatibility and partnership. We focus on serving one another, loving each other well, serving God together, and parenting together.
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If you’re dating or praying for a believing spouse, of course, attraction is important, and style is a part of that. Some families and cultures hold dress and style as more important than others. It can show care and respect for the other person to make an effort with grooming and appearance for dates and meeting the family, etc.
But it’s a fine line, because if you’re anything like me at the same time, you want the person you want to spend your life with to fancy you when you’re at home with no make-up, no bra, glasses, and in your pyjamas, just as much when you’re in make-up and your glad rags, and snatching shapewear!
So as women of faith instead of focussing on ‘swag gaps’, let’s focus on caring and showing love for the other person, as Jesus calls us to.
Sometimes caring looks like accepting your partner feeling comfortable in their favourite sweats (respect, Hailey). But sometimes showing love could mean making an effort with your appearance to show them that they are important to you, and to bring honour to your relationship.
Now, what do you think? Single ladies, would you care if there was a ‘swag gap’ between you and a potential love interest?
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