As a single Christian woman in her 40s, writer Alex Noel knows what it feels like to wonder where she fits in a Church culture that can often revolve around marriage and family. After attending the first Belonging Conference, she asks what it would look like for churches to truly make space at the table for single people.
As a single person in Church, I’ve asked myself at times: do I really belong? Church life can, by default, be built around marriage and families, and that is not my immediate experience. I’ve even asked church leaders outright what place there is for someone like me in church – a single woman with no children (and now in my 40s).
But I haven’t had any decent answers yet. Instead, I’ve charted my own path, knowing full well that Jesus himself was single and has a purpose for those, like me, who fall outside of the assumed pattern. Though churches don’t set out to intentionally exclude single people, by emphasising marriage and families, singleness gets treated as nothing more than a waiting stage before getting married, rather than a wholly valid status in and of itself.
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It was therefore with great anticipation that I attended Single Friendly Church Network’s first Belonging Conference on Saturday 26 September in the City of London. It also marked the first Single Friendly Church Week (27 September–4 October). Even knowing that this was happening made me feel ‘seen’.
If you’re not familiar with Single Friendly Church Network, let me fill you in.
If you’re not familiar with Single Friendly Church Network, let me fill you in. The network was established in 2023 and works hard to see all churches become places where single people feel welcomed, valued and included. As founder Jackie Elton said on Saturday, to do this we need to change Church culture rather than just ‘solve the problem’ of singleness.
And as Executive Director Sorcha Connell explained, one aspect of that culture is thinking that Christianity is a “ladder of accomplishment”, where relational and family milestones such as engagements, marriage and children equate with Christian success. Whilst these are good things to celebrate in themselves, the “Church is not meant to be a ladder but a table wide enough for everyone”. And this has never been more vital. Not only is loneliness increasing, but according to ONS data, the number of single people is growing too. In the UK, 40% of people are now single. From ‘never-marrieds’ and those who are actively dating to those who are divorced and widowed too. Because we can arrive at singleness in multiple ways, and at any time of life.
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When dating site Christian Connection (also founded by Elton) conducted the first major survey into single Christians in 2012, the overwhelming number of responses (3,000 in one week) spoke for itself: 43% of single Christians felt their church didn’t ‘see’ them or know what to do with them. That certainly matches my own experience. It also prompted the formation of Single Friendly Church Network. Because singles don’t want their churches to be exclusively family-focused, nor do they want singles-only events. They want their churches to be single friendly. This is a much more expansive way of ‘doing church’, one which Jesus himself modelled.
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While we’re probably familiar with the saying ‘Church is a family’, it can really jar if you already feel you don’t belong.
While we’re probably familiar with the saying ‘Church is a family’, it can really jar if you already feel you don’t belong. For Jesus, the concept of family went far beyond the nuclear family – he widened the view of family altogether. Jesus spent a lot of time looking at those who had drifted from view, not at those whose relationship status ‘qualified’ them to belong. In other words, being single friendly is being a church wholly built around Jesus and, as trustee Kate Wharton reminded us, around the new type of family he is creating.
Single Friendly Church Network encourages churches to embrace a five-step process to become a Single Friendly Church. The testimonies from churches that have done this are overwhelmingly positive. In many cases, they have made important “tweaks” to how they do things rather than needing to start from scratch. This includes being more thoughtful about the language used in church. For example, using a wide range of sermon illustrations that resonate with people from different experiences. And when welcoming people or sparking up conversations, avoiding questions about whether or not they are married or have children. The result of implementing these changes is that churches appeal more to people overall. By intentionally including single people, they find they are actually expanding their church’s mission to include everyone.
Why not check out Single Friendly Church Network and see how your church can become single friendly?
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