High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale’s toxic mum group experience and what faith teaches us about inclusion

In the words of High School Musical’s anthem, when it comes to mums juggling it all, we should be ‘all in this together’. Sadly, this wasn’t the case recently for Ashley Tisdale (aka Sharpay in Disney’s High School Musical), as she spoke out about leaving a mum group due to its toxic behaviour that would ‘bring her to tears.’

As a 40-year-old mother of two, Ashley had recounted how finding a ‘village of moms’ for support is beneficial after she had her first daughter in 2021. But in a recent article for the Cut, she said this new mum group (which included other well-known celebrities) reminded her of ‘high school cliques’ and ‘left her feeling excluded at a vulnerable time.’

Ashley said she noticed some mums in the group started to meet up without her

Ashley said she noticed some mums in the group started to meet up without her, and that “I was starting to feel frozen out of the group. It seemed that this group had a pattern of leaving someone out,’ Ashley reflected. ‘And that someone had become me.’

READ MORE: What Christians can learn from the women joining secret clubbing WhatsApp groups

The interactions awakened feelings of inadequacy from days gone by for Tisdale, like in school, where the ‘cool girls’ didn’t include a particular person, and they would be ignored. The article got a flood of responses from other mums online who said they had experienced something similar. When Ashley decided to leave the group, she explained to the other mums: “This is too high school for me, and I don’t want to take part in it anymore.”

Since the incident, some of the mums have tried to smooth things over. While Ashley said she didn’t think the other women were bad people, she asserts that ‘our group dynamic stopped being healthy and positive - for me anyway.”

READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: My in-laws are toxic!

Just over a decade ago, when I had my first son, I joined an National Childbirth Trust (NCT) group, more to make friends and find my ‘mum village’ than for the course (though that was helpful too). And I think I was very fortunate because I found a group of eight or so girls and even though we were different in many ways, we immediately formed a special bond through our pregnancies. We messaged each other in a group chat throughout our pregnancies and births, and then throughout the rollercoaster of birth and postpartum. I look back, and I can say with absolute certainty that our WhatsApp group during the night feeds was a source of encouragement and support that saved my mental health many times. Throughout our maternity leave, we met up every week, breastfeeding our babies, meeting in endless coffee shops, and hosting each other for bring-and-share brunches at our homes. No one ever left anyone out! Even if people couldn’t attend everything, there was no bitchiness, or talking about anyone behind each other’s backs, and no mean girl school politics - and this was not a Christian group!

READ MORE: “I was a people pleaser and I thought it made me a better Christian”

Now I’m at the other end of the scale as a mum of three boys aged 5, 9, and 11, and I have once again been so blessed to find supportive mum friends in each of my kids’ age groups. I make an active effort to bring mums together, and if there’s even a hint of slighting someone, I either call it out or I respond with the ‘opposite spirit’. My first name is Rebecca, and one of its meanings is ‘peacemaker’, so I naturally like to bring people together. As Christian mums, of course, we are all called to be peacemakers and to display the love of Jesus wherever we find ourselves.

21st-century motherhood means we face challenges previous generations didn’t, so now more than ever, I agree with Tisdale that we need a mum village to support one another as we walk our children through to adulthood. 

21st-century motherhood means we face challenges previous generations didn’t, so now more than ever, I agree with Tisdale that we need a mum village to support one another as we walk our children through to adulthood. From my 5-year-old’s temper tantrums to banning Roblox for my older son this month due to safety concerns, I am thankful for my mum-friends who offer support even when I make decisions different from theirs. Christian mums in the church should be loving and supporting one another in discipling their kids - and whether it’s in the context of a weekly playgroup or a WhatsApp chat, we need to be going out of our way to make sure all mamas feel included and supported.

While my NCT mum-gang were all of a similar ethnic and socio-economic background, mums in the church are called to welcome and love mothers from across the board, extending our (coffee) tables to whoever wishes to join. This means that we need to leave our ethnocentrism at the door, and ask Jesus to help us love and welcome all mums, no matter religion, ethnicity, or background.

It’s also vital that we get involved in mum groups outside our churches to be witnesses for Jesus. If you’re reading this and you’re a believing mama spending hours ordering the classroom chat or chatting to other mums watching your kids do sports, be encouraged that you are the aroma of Christ. If you do find yourself in a mum group that has some unhealthy dynamics like Tisdales, the solution may not simply be for you to jump ship like she did (although I am not saying that she should have stayed!). Prayerfully consider if God put you in that group for a reason and if he can use you to change the culture.

Here are some tips to help you be a peacemaker in your mum group (online and face-to-face) whilst also protecting your heart from any mean-girl syndrome:

• Change the subject when the conversation takes a turn to speak about someone else who isn’t there to defend themselves.

• Keep social events open to everyone by posting them in the main group and, when possible, avoid creating subgroups.

• Notice any differences about any mums in a group and make an effort to connect about them. Your interest in her language, culture, or traditions could be the difference between her staying and not.

• Remember, if you do encounter a mum-bully, ‘hurt people, hurt people’. Look for opportunities to show that person love and care. She might be struggling with something in the background or feeling insecure.

• Be the most encouraging mum you can be! Go out of your way to pay other mamas a compliment and speak truth about them- because light always overcomes darkness, and being kind and positive can change the whole dynamic of a group.

• If you notice someone is quiet in a chat group or hasn’t come to a meet-up, give them a call and let them know you’ve noticed their absence. Offer to meet up one-to-one or pray for them.

• If you witness toxicity in a mum group, call it out with gentleness and without laying blame at the door of any one person.

I’m praying for Ashley that she finds some lovely new mama friends, and for our mum-readers to be culture changers for the kingdom throughout motherhood.