GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: My in-laws are toxic!

Dear Woman Alive,

I have been married to my husband for twenty years and we have two daughters. For me, the only sadness in our marriage is his family - who are not Christians. His mother and two sisters are very strong characters while his father is a lovely man he is quite passive. When I started putting in boundaries around how my husband’s mother and sisters spoke to and tried to control my husband, they became very difficult. I would prefer to wash my hands of them, but they are family, and I want my daughters to have a good relationship with them. I also know forgiveness is important, and we are the Christians, so I want to show them the love of Christ. What would Jesus do? How do we keep loving those who don’t treat us well? Any advice?

How do we keep loving those who don’t treat us well?

READ MORE: An open letter to my ex mother-in-law this Mother’s Day

Dear Reader,

So many readers will understand the tension between the family you want to build and the families you come from. In the early years of my own marriage, I spent a lot of time trying to reshape my husband’s family into something more like mine and it only led to disappointment.

I hadn’t yet realised that every unique family is made up of its own mix of history, wounds, traditions and (annoying to everyone outside of the family) unspoken rules. We often act with the best intentions, expecting others to respond as our own family might – but that rarely happens.

When two families come together, we’re always learning sometimes from the things we don’t want to repeat and sometimes gathering gold nuggets we want to carry into the new family we’re building. Whether you come from a loving family or a more complicated one, God can use both to shape something new, full of grace and wisdom.

Family can be full of love and fun and also real heartache.

Family can be full of love and fun and also real heartache. What you’ve shared is honest and relatable. You’re not alone, and it’s clear your heart is to honour God, protect your children, and love well in the midst of pain. Boundaries aren’t unkind. They’re actually vital for healthy relationships. Even Jesus set boundaries. He walked away from crowds, chose solitude, and didn’t allow others to dictate his steps. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out they’re about preserving what’s healthy and building on a good foundation. It’s also a really positive thing to model to your children.

READ MORE: I have learnt to consider the challenges of menopause through the unique perspective of faith

It sounds like after many years of being hurt, you’ve started to set some of those boundaries already especially in defence of your husband. Sometimes just a quick acknowledgement of what happened can be a turning point: “Oh, that hurt” or “That really upset me when you said that.” It takes courage, and it’s not easy. When others don’t respond well, it can feel even harder – especially when there’s grief over a broken relationship.

Here are a few practical things that might help:

1. Talk before you go. Agree on boundaries as a couple – how long to stay, where to sit and who to sit next to, what topics to steer clear of, and how to exit if things get tense.

2. Have a signal. A word, a look, or a phrase that says “I need help” or “Time to wrap up” can be a lifeline in difficult moments.

3. Find your comfort. Touch is important to me – a hug or a hand on my back during a conversation helps me feel supported and connected. Find what brings you comfort in difficult interactions.

READ MORE: Raising my family next door to my parents has given our children a greater understanding of God’s character

4. Chat afterwards. Reflect on what worked and what didn’t. Small tweaks can make a big difference over time.

5. Be wise about frequency. If they live far away or visits are rare, that gives you some flexibility. But if they’re more present, you may need firmer boundaries to protect your wellbeing and your children’s.

Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” That’s a call to do your part not to carry the whole weight. Sometimes peace means staying close. Other times, it means stepping back.

And remember you’re showing your daughters something beautiful: that love can be firm, that kindness has wisdom, and that forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay. You’re modelling grace and resilience, and that matters deeply.

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk