Drawing on culture, psychology, and scripture, Rebecca Hunter Kelm challenges romantic myths, pointing us toward a more biblical vision of love, commitment, and marriage.
I’m loving the catchy tune of pop star Raye’s song: ‘Where the hell is my husband?!’ these days. It sounds like Raye thinks there is just one man out there for her, and he needs to find her fast! So, where did this belief in ‘just one person for everyone’ come from, and should we ascribe to it as Christian women?
From the beginning of the world, humans have liked to believe that love isn’t random. In the 4th century, Plato’s Symposium recounts an ancient myth in which Zeus splits humans with four arms, four legs, and two faces in half because they are too powerful for the other gods. They then go on to search for their ‘other half’ for all eternity, because when they reunite, they feel a deep sense of completion, because love is finding the other person you were always meant to be with.
Then we have the renowned English poet, playwright, and actor Shakespeare’s heady romantic tragedy of Romeo and Juliet’s star-crossed lovers, who are fated to be together - even in death.
READ MORE: As an older Christian woman, this is what I would say to Raye’s cry ‘Where’s my husband?’
Ancient Chinese culture also perpetuates the ‘Red Thread of Fate’ myth, where the moon deity Yue Lao ties an invisible red string between destined lovers, and they are drawn to one another, falling in love, completing one another.
Jason Carroll (Professor of Marriage and Family Studies at the US Brigham Young University, Utah) affirms the human desire to find ‘the one.’ “We are attachment-based creatures,” he says. “We desire that bond.” But he encourages his students to forget the idea of a soulmate behind, without giving up their desire for ‘The One’ because while you could ‘find a soulmate’, a ‘one and only’ partner is intentionally created between two people- and that includes adapting to one another, apologising after conflict, and grit and determination to make the relationship work.
As Christian women, we may desire to find a husband. Does that mean that when we meet them, we should expect everything to feel easy and effortless?
As Christian women, we may desire to find a husband. Does that mean that when we meet them, we should expect everything to feel easy and effortless? Professor C. Raymond Knee at the University of Houston conducted research that suggests otherwise, finding that those who believed relationships were “meant to be” were far more likely to doubt their commitment after conflict. Those with more growth-minded views tended to stay more committed, even on days when they argued: ‘This suggests that love and a successful life-long partnership are more based on a commitment to grow and work on your relationship than on just solely accepting ‘its fate’ or ‘this is the person God has for me’ mindset.’
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The Bible does not affirm the idea of soulmates and that there is one perfect person out there for each of us. It certainly doesn’t teach that we need another human to ‘complete us.’ When we come into right-standing with God as a disciple of Jesus, we can know that God guides our lives (Proverbs 16:9)- and that includes marriage. We also know that God ordained marriage and that it is good, and that if we want to be married, we should desire God’s wisdom in selecting a spouse, prioritising finding someone of good character.
We also should only be looking to marry someone who is aligned with us spiritually
We also should only be looking to marry someone who is aligned with us spiritually - someone who is also a Christian, who puts God first in their lives, and who will encourage us to do the same: (Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.”) When it comes to the kind of long-lasting, satisfying, and beautiful marriage that we desire (and that God designed!), we need to remember that love is a choice that must be put into action every day. When we read Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, we don’t find love described as mushy feelings, destiny, or heart-stopping sizzling passion. In the famous words of 1 Corinthians 13, love is described as being patient and kind. It isn’t self-seeking. It endures, and it doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.
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As Christians, we shouldn’t adhere to the belief that we are cosmically assigned to just one person. We also shouldn’t feel pressured to think ‘we missed the one’ if a relationship doesn’t end in marriage. Christian dating should be fun, and the whole point is to see if two people are compatible! We should also be ready to practice Biblical marriage as something to cultivate and put into action every day - serving one another sacrificially, choosing them again and again over all else in faithful commitment.
If you’re reading this and like Raye, you feel like screaming, ‘Where the hell is my husband!?!!!’ right now, know that your desire is good, and that waiting is tough. In the waiting, be encouraged that you don’t need a ‘fated lover’ to complete you, but you are already worthy, and fully accepted by God. Know that while God may not have made one soulmate with you in mind, he designed marriage, and there are good, godly men out there. Keep sharing your desire for a husband with a prayer partner or close friend, and ask them to step up their prayer game for you to meet not ‘the one’ but a Godly man of good character, so you can love and serve one another as you live for Him together.
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