‘Through the death of my baby at 40 weeks, I learnt that God is still good—even when my circumstances are not’

Abigail Gehring Lawrence shares the pain of losing her baby girl and the struggle to trust God again. Through grief, she slowly rediscovers His goodness in community, Scripture, and the beauty around her.

I arrived at the birthing center in the evening, contractions gripping my abdomen every four minutes, adrenaline and anticipation surging. At forty weeks and one day pregnant, I was ready for the work ahead and to meet our baby girl. The nurse squirted cold jelly on my giant stomach and ran the doppler around, listened, ran it around again. Sometimes it just takes a few minutes, I reminded myself. After all, I’d had a checkup that morning and all was well. 

After several minutes, another nurse tried and failed to find the galloping heartbeat I had come to know and love. I texted the women from my Bible study: “Please pray. They can’t find the heartbeat.” A doctor rolled in the ultrasound machine.  

The tiny drum inside her ribcage was perfectly still. “I’m so sorry …” the doctor’s voice trailed off. 

If there is anything that will make you question God’s goodness, it’s holding your lifeless baby in your arms. It is surreal, devastating, bewildering. Unthinkable.