When Triona Benton decided not to return to work after maternity leave, she wrestled with guilt, fear and questions about her identity beyond her career. But what if stepping away from paid work to embrace motherhood isn’t a step backwards, but an opportunity to discover more of who God has called us to be?
The lovely careers coach on the end of the phone asked, ‘What would you tell someone in the same predicament as you?’ My eyes burned and tears started flowing. ‘That they’re only young once,’ I replied quietly.
I knew in that moment what my heart desired and what I felt compelled to do. I knew that deep down I wanted to have time being a mum, without juggling work. And that meant leaving my job, which in this instance meant not returning when my maternity leave ended.
I was scared. I had lots of questions. What does this decision say about me? Does it mean I’m entitled to think I can choose not to do paid work for a time? Will we have enough money to provide for our growing family of five? Will I be able to get a job when I want to return to work? As a nurse, with a professional qualification, will I become deskilled and limit future options? I ‘should’ be able to handle the juggle of work and parenting. Why do I find it hard, while other women seem to manage it? Am I less of a person being ‘just a mum’? What will other people think of me?
READ MORE: How I realised I had made an idol of motherhood
That conversation with the careers coach had highlighted my deeper desire, one that I think I’d held close to me
That conversation with the careers coach had highlighted my deeper desire, one that I think I’d held close to me. However, the negative, critical, questioning thoughts continued to buzz around in my head.
It was during this period of wrestling with these thoughts and desires that I visited a friend in London. While waiting for a train at Waterloo station, I popped into a bookshop. Browsing a table of books, one caught my eye. The Power Pause by Neha Ruch. I read the blurb and thought, this is it. I’m not stepping back or indeed backwards, I’m pausing. And not only am I pausing, maybe I can give myself permission to embrace this season without feeling sheepish, less ambitious or less progressive.
READ MORE: The untold stories of motherhood
It felt like a gentle confirmation from the Lord, teaching me and releasing me into this next chapter. I can shift focus for a season, and this does not erase my nursing skills, my intelligence, ability or ambition. It redirects them towards a different, meaningful venture for a season. I felt empowered to take the next step, pausing paid work and entering an adventurous chapter of being a full-time mum.
‘Imagine if pausing your career to enjoy motherhood was not depicted as contrary to ambition, success, and feminism but rather an empowered choice to shift focus of time and attention for a chapter.’ – Neha Ruch
I also felt empowered and more confident that I was not becoming less and that I might, in fact, discover more of who God has made me to be. I took the leap and handed in my notice.
READ MORE: Motherhood took away my career identity—But God gave me something better
I find being at home full-time with children a deeply challenging, refining, glorious call right now.
A few months later, I was chatting to a friend, and she shared stories of women who had paused paid work for a time to shift their focus to family and small children and were now coming back to paid work. She described them as being like butterflies coming out of their cocoons – changed, beautiful, strong and ready to take flight in a new way. I find being at home full-time with children a deeply challenging, refining, glorious call right now. I often feel like I’m failing or could be a better mum. I also think, I chose to do this. I should be loving it, doing crafty projects, cooking everything from scratch, staying on top of the washing and being super loving and patient with my precious boys.
I’m not, and in fact, I find it so hard. But I know God is shaping me, teaching me, growing me and giving me new skills. And I’m so grateful to have this time to spend with my boys in these young years. I’m so grateful to be able to sit on the grass in the playground after school, with all of them draped over me, eating their fill of snacks and regulating after a long day at school, where they have to be rather grown-up themselves. I’m so grateful to be there.
In social settings, when I say I’m at home with the children, the conversation still falters. People don’t really know how to talk about that. I fumble around trying to explain how I spend my time, feeling the need to tell people what other things I do besides mothering. I have a lot to learn. So much more to let go of and so much more to embrace in this season. I’m only just at the start of understanding and grabbing hold of what it means that, as a woman and a mother, the Lord has clothed me with strength and dignity, whether I’m in paid work or not.
‘She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.’ (Proverbs 31:25, NIV)
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