Watching ITV’s crime drama Winter unexpectedly brought Sophie Sanders face to face with her own grief over the life she had imagined before a series of devastating health diagnoses. Here, she shares how she is learning to trust God’s character, even when her most painful questions remain unanswered.
ITV’s new crime drama Winter, Richard Armitage as Dr Ethan Winter, with Annabel Scholey as DI Lauren Bell
Sometimes, you encounter characters on television who are just like you – they laugh at the same things, have the same quirks and want the same things from life. Then you come across characters who are the polar opposite, like me and Winter, the protagonist in ITV’s eponymous police procedural.
I’m a natural rule-follower; Winter’s a maverick. I’m a self-confessed people person; Winter’s more at ease talking to cadavers. I spend my weekends hosting dinner parties and perusing art galleries; Winter enjoys free climbing and open-water diving. So, I was surprised – shocked, even – that I was drawn to the unconventional forensic psychologist in this crime drama.
But here’s the thing. We’ve both experienced a life-changing loss and learned to live with unanswered questions – and the more episodes I watched, the more I realised that I was grieving the life I used to have.
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Haunted by the unsolved murder of his fiancée, Simone, Winter cannot let go of the questions surrounding her death. His search for answers is relentless and, as new evidence comes to light in the shape of triangles etched into fingers, Winter moves tantalisingly closer to uncovering the true identity of her killer.
Somewhat differently, the focus of my grief is not a loved one, but rather the able-bodied person I once was – the girl who had seemingly limitless social capacity, could enjoy an impromptu slice of cake without enzymes, injections and complex calculations, and who had never spent a night in hospital.
Instead of asking whodunnit, I wrestle with why-dunnit – in other words, why an omnipotent, omnibenevolent God has allowed diagnosis after diagnosis to take over my life and redirect my hopes and dreams.
Instead of asking whodunnit, I wrestle with why-dunnit – in other words, why an omnipotent, omnibenevolent God has allowed diagnosis after diagnosis to take over my life and redirect my hopes and dreams. Put simply, where is God in my profound loss and disappointment? Where was he when my beta cells were destroyed or my production of cortisol stopped? What about when adhesions proliferated in my womb or inflammation proliferated in my pelvis? Why didn’t he intervene before my heart stopped beating on that Tuesday at work last year? If I’m honest, when I’ve laid these questions down before the Lord, I haven’t sensed a clear answer – and it’s hard, really hard.
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But I’ve found deep wisdom in the writings of Elisabeth Elliot. She writes that ‘real satisfaction comes not in understanding God’s motives, but in understanding his character, in trusting his promises, and leaning on him and resting in him as the sovereign who knows what he is doing and does all things well’. It’s far from easy – in fact, quite the opposite – but as I mourn the twenty-something life I’d dreamt of, featuring a handsome husband and an adorable brood of children, and live the harsh reality of life with autoimmune conditions galore, I pray that God will reveal something of his character to me.
I’ve encountered his joy through diagnosis after diagnosis, in situations that look hopeless and helpless to the onlooking world.
In his lavish kindness, he’s answered that prayer. I’ve seen his life-giving power pouring breath into lungs that had stopped pumping. I’ve been blessed by his sustaining grace through seasons of intense pain and immobility. I’ve encountered his joy through diagnosis after diagnosis, in situations that look hopeless and helpless to the onlooking world. And I am spurred on by his faithfulness, knowing that he will return and make all things new – including my oh-so-broken body.
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Reader, my prayer is that God will empower you, too, to trust in his beautiful, unchanging character when you face unanswered questions and heart-wrenching grief. Yes, pray that your pain would be removed and that your desires and dreams – whatever they are – may be granted to you by the God of all things. But don’t stop there. Ask God for the strength to bear the pain, the grace to benefit from it, insight into his faithful character and the devotion to offer it back to him as a sacrifice of praise.
Just like a police procedural, there are clues peppered through our own stories that remind us of the overarching narrative of salvation and redemption, but they don’t always provide clear answers in the here and now. This is the life of faith, and it’s the life I choose every morning, come rain or shine, pain or peace.
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