‘I spent years waiting for permission to use my gifts – then God showed me I already had it’

Imagine going from buzzing around, working, serving, creating and living life to the full, to sitting in your living room, covered in milk, hair still in a knotted version of yesterday’s mum bun, and barely surviving, all to the soundtrack of the lovely but very repetitive Ms Rachel.

That was me a few years ago! I’d just turned 40 and was smack bang in the middle of the beautiful chaos that is early motherhood with one-year-old twins. Gone were the days fuelled by pure adrenaline, Jesus and coffee; in their place were sleepless nights and 24-hour stretches that resembled Groundhog Day. Whilst genuinely feeling the huge privilege of becoming a mother of three, I couldn’t help but simultaneously feel a little lost.

READ MORE: Empty nest syndrome can lead to a rediscovery of faith and identity

I’ve always been creative, and throughout my career and church life, I have had many opportunities to use this gift in a variety of ways.

I’ve always been creative, and throughout my career and church life, I have had many opportunities to use this gift in a variety of ways. As someone who is earnest, less of a rebel and more of a peacekeeper, it was easy for me to work hard, be faithful, show up with kindness and find the favour of others.

It wasn’t until my midlife identity crisis that I faced an uncomfortable truth: I had, unknowingly, spent most of my adult life depending on the permission of others to use the gifts God had given me. As my capacity and availability were suddenly reduced, opportunities dried up, and I found myself lost and without purpose.

You may be familiar with this verse in James: “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up” (James 4:10). In its original context, James was addressing specific behaviours amongst his first readers, and for Christians today, it remains an important reminder to submit our lives wholly to God.

However, for me and my ever-so-earnest self, it only deepened a false humility, which, in early motherhood, had me questioning who I was outside the validation of others. I was by no means diminishing my greatest role ever as a mother, but rather, I was simply trying to work out how all the different parts of who I had become fitted together, and where I could find fulfilment.

READ MORE: ‘What Victoria Beckham’s story taught me about identity in Christ’

Sitting in that living room, feeling alone and frustrated, I felt forgotten, not only by people but also by God.

Sitting in that living room, feeling alone and frustrated, I felt forgotten, not only by people but also by God. It was only in this season of ‘stopping’ and self-perceived wilderness that God, in His kindness, was able to show me that waiting on opportunities outside of myself was unnecessary, largely self-inflicted and unhelpful. I began to wonder how things might have been different, and what I might have pursued more wholeheartedly, if I’d known I had God’s permission all along to create and be all He made me to be.

Now I know more than ever that God gave us all permission to show up fully when He knit us together in our mother’s womb and created us in His image. Ephesians 2:10 declares over us that we’re God’s ‘handiwork’, created and chosen on purpose for a purpose, but knowing it and living it are two different things.

READ MORE: How do we respond to a world increasingly controlled by AI?

Well-worn beliefs take time to change, and it was only when I started to address my own that I began to allow my God-given imagination to wander and create outside of the previously prescribed ways that I’d known. Being transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2) is a lifelong pursuit, best done alongside our loving and gracious Creator, but one well worth pursuing.

So, if you, like me, have ever been stunted by a false sense of humility or the need for external validation, this is your reminder (not permission) to know that, as a woman fully created in the image of God, you ALREADY have permission to… (insert your own blank). Don’t wait for anyone else’s validation or opportunities to show up fully as you were created to be. Do the thing: start the business, try the new hobby. God’s kingdom is vast, and it’s best served when you bring everything you have and are.